Joy to the World!

What joyous news! Well, our appointment at the fertility clinic went well this morning. After discussing all options with our doctor, Chris and I have decided not to go forward with our one free chance at IVF covered by the Ministry of Health but rather pay for the rest of the current IVF cycle ourselves. I know....we're crazy BUT we have a good reason for doing this!

One in every four woman who become pregnant miscarry. Our one chance at this could be over in just a blink of an eye! The remaining part of our IVF cycle, The Embryo Transfer Day (ETD), is at a very low price cost right now until February. So, we've opted to pay for this ourselves and then our paid ETD will be paid for by the Ministry for our next cycle...... So either I miscarry and then the Ministry of Health will pay for us to try again or the Ministry will pay for us to have a second child...... Yeah.... we're already planning for #2! Yes, we are that crazy! (Not to worry though, I still refuse to have six kids like Chris wants....that will never happen! Do you hear me Christopher? NEVER!)

So......how much will this cost us, you ask? Well, not including the Provera I will be taking to jump start another period on or about the 11th or 12th of January (squee!) and not including the estrogen shots I am so looking forward to having to take for three weeks or so.... The Embryo Transfer Day alone will cost us $1,600.

Do we know where that money will come from yet? Uhm.........Kinda....... we got a bonus at work which has helped us financially as of late. (Thank you Jesus for this job!) But.... it won't cover everything......... Well... we'll do our best. That's all we can do.

I think we've made the right decision. We've been praying about all of this for several months, as it was kinda hinted at us that this might be an option available to us because of how the new law was changing at the timing of it all.

Also, the other thing we had to decide on was whether we wanted to put back in one embryo or two little embryos into my uterus. This question is something we have been praying about since our first big talk at the fertility clinic all those months ago. We have prayed and prayed about this.... I even asked a group of ladies whom I love and adore what their thoughts were on the subject and you know what their response was? "When the time comes to decide, Rosie, you'll know what God wants you to do," and they were right. :) Such wise friends we have in our life...

The risk of miscarriage and a high-risk pregnancy is increased exponentially with multiple embryos babies inside my uterus. The idea that one of our little babies could die because of having two little guys/girls in there was just too much of a worry... Also, as I said to Chris recently, "If The Lord our God wants us to have twins, He will split that little embryo into two babies all His own. He doesn't need us for that."

So, we decided on one embryo into my uterus when the time comes. We both felt at peace with that decision and if we are meant to be parents,... It's all up to Him and His will....

We feel such JOY for being able to have this blessing and chance presented to us! Oh how exciting! So, will you pray with us as we go into the new year, faithfully continuing to follow our doctors orders with the appropriate medications? :) I will be going in for another ultrasound on or about the 11/12 so that can check on my uterus one last time. (I had fluid in my uterus when they looked at last. They just need to make sure that there's nothing wrong there -- it could've been just mucus...not big deal.)

We love you guys... thank you for all your support, love and prayers!

JOY and HOPE in 2016!

Bumped up!

Well, lookee there...

We originally had an appointment with our fertility doctor for January 18th, right?

With the law changing they've bumped our appointment up to December 23rd @ 9 a.m.

I pray I am over this cold by then...I need everyone to pray that this awful virus GOES AWAY!

The clinic just called me back again... since our appointment is the day before they start Christmas holidays more than likely our continued IVF process will be in the new year... that gives me a little time to recover from this cold.

The bad part is every time I have this tickle cough I get it for MONTHS.

I'm worried.........and praying through my worry.

What else can I do?

Love you all...

Babies on ice

Perfect for Ruby one day!

The doctor on duty at our lovely fertility clinic called me just before lunch -- which was much earlier than I thought they'd be calling me.

We have FOUR embryo babies on ice! When the call came, and the doctor said the number of embryos I just had this peace and joy come over me. Four.... it's a wonderful number.... It's a number I feel comfortable with and especially knowing that 88% of embryos survive the unfreezing phase.

So, perhaps we'll get 2 to 3 embryos available to us to choose from when we go in for the embryo transfer day.

Four...grins... Can you imagine? Four little embryo beings with Chris and my own DNA mixed together for the very first time... I wish I knew what those four little guys looked like... I mean...I kinda know from the other pictures on the Internet, but I wish I knew what my embryos looked like...

Chris just keeps saying, "Holy crap, we're gonna be parents!" giggles He can't seem to wrap his head around it. I just tell him, "God willing, we will...."

What is my next job until The Big Day? Honestly to get over this darn cold and get physical more healthy. I need to lose weight... If I'm going to be carrying a little being in my belly I want the best chance they could have of making it. So... here I go on that journey!

I'll be in prayer over the next few days as I continue to recover from this nasty cold about what steps I need to take to lose weight in a healthy way... The Lord will guide me, if I ask Him. He's kinda awesome that way....always willing to help... grins

(By the way, good news! I'm allowed to take Extra Strength Cold FX and Oil of Oregano as I need to, to get over my cold! Only one more dose of Dostenex to take on the 12th, so there's no big worry anymore of things affecting me negatively. I will say Dostenex leaves me with nasty headaches in the morning.)

I love you guys.... Prayer for me, would ya? This getting healthy/losing weight thing has never been my forte..

Surviving Eggs

Morning everyone!

I'm feeling much better than I thought I would by now. I'm still feeling lots of tugs, pulls and cramping but not too much... just every once and awhile. I've had period pain worse than this.

I will say, I love my recliner. grins I'm able to sit at just the right position to be comfortable and not feel any pain. I still do purposefully get up and walk around every so often, to keep things moving. Yesterday I wasn't able to stand up completely straight. I was kinda hunched over a bit like Quasimodo; hanging on to Chris or furniture as I walk.

I think the most painful thing is when I lie down in bed. Just going from a completely vertical position to a horizontal position makes those slightly sharp twinges full blown twinges that make me moan and squirm a little.

I'm keeping food down all right. I'm having small meals... I started with dry toast and Chris' homemade soup. Last night I had a real meal of pork roast, "chippies" (sliced thin potatoes seasoned and baked til crispy) and a few California veggies. I only ate half the piece of pork roast and small portions of the usual size. (Mostly just in case I felt sick)

I kept that down okay. Chris gave me dry toast this morning and then a little later on a scrambled egg with a slice of thin crispy ham.

The major news about my body is I have been able to use the washroom successfully! I know...too much information, but it was something I was worried about.

I am to still watch out for symptoms of OHSS. They've given me a chart to follow, if I have any of the symptoms. I need to monitor myself over the next week or two, pretty much until I have my next cycle.

The biggest thing I've been told is: drink lots of liquids! 2 to 3 litres/day. sigh I've never been good about keeping up with water intake........grumbles I'll try my best though.

This is what our embryo's look like on Day 1 (today)

So, onto the fun stuff! Out of the 32 eggs they were able to retrieve yesterday 18 look like they've survived and are usable. I know! Eighteen! So they will be continue to grow them, along with Chris' sperm inside 'em to maturity until Day five. (Wednesday) On Wednesday they'll let us know how many have survived this five day growth and how many they'll actually get to freeze. The more they freeze the better because only 88% of embryos survive freezing. 

They'll be waiting a few months to put an embryo baby back inside of me. This is not a quick process. We have an appointment with our doctor in January to follow-up and schedule that next step, but until then it'll just be recovering and avoid OHSS symptoms (hopefully). We are using the tortoise racing method as opposed to the hare racing method. Well, the tortoise won in the end, didn't he?

Chris is working today. Yup he is on fully duty 24/7. They didn't give us much time, did they? No... they really didn't.... Thankfully I'm doing okay physically so far, so I just hope that continues to go well...

I'll be resting and sleeping a lot today, but plan to make a lap or two around the apartment just for good measure as well.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for Chris and I and our little embryo family. :)

Egg Retrieval

Yesterday I woke up after taking milk of magnesia, my shots and my oral supper pill.... I felt awful. 

That milk of magnesia cleaned me out quite well, and the rest of the day went down hill from there. Did my 6 am injection shot alone as Chris was at men's group. All went successfully but right after the shot I felt so nauseous I could barely function. 

The rest of my Thursday consisted of lying down or sitting up with a garbage bucket beside me just in case I needed it. Chris brought breakfast to me which went down okay but two hours later it was gone, in the handy dandy bucket. (He was kind enough to clean it out without complaint.)

I ate a little dried toast Chris prepared for me after that, and just continued to doze on the couch all afternoon, giving one to two word sentences when necessary. I barely felt functional and I was starting to have my doubts that I could get through this. 

At about 6:30 pm Thursday night I told Chris I didn't know I could go through with this. I could barely function having had only one day of severe nausea, how was supposed to live through 9 months of that? I was being serious! Chris just stayed calm and listened to me. Encouragement me to pray and eventually helped me to bed when 8 o'clock rolled around. 

He gave me my prescribed sedative for the night, still with my doubts being spoken from my lips, kissed me goodnight and tucked me in. I have no idea what time that man came to bed. I slept heavily until a little after 1 am when I had to get up to pee. 

I remember feeling disappointed that it was after 1 am, since I wasn't allowed to have any water past midnight, but off I went back to bed, to try and get some more rest until 5:30 am.

At 5:30 am Chris kindly woke me up with kisses and hugs as we both got up to get ready for The Big Day. Any doubts I still had were muddled through the sedative fog I was feeling. To top it off, another sedative and antibiotic was handed me to take with small sips of water at 6 o'clock in the morning. I did my duty and took them without complaint.

Brother Gary, from Blackburn Campus and his lovely wife Katie, picked us up promptly at 6:30am. It's a short ride to the clinic and we were a few minutes early. (perfect timing) I almost dozed off again sitting in the waiting room to be called. 

Once we reached the prep & recovery room it was a bit different than I expected. There were reclining chairs for the ladies to sit in..... huh! I thought to myself. No recovery beds....

We were directed to a change room where we good put hospital downs on me and Chris could put on some overly wrinkled scrubs. He liked the scrubs and found them very comfortable.

Chris practically unchanged me himself since I couldn't physically do very much. Still feeling nauseous and very uncomfortable with follicle babies in my belly, I just kinda told him what to do when...

After I got situated in one of the recovery recliners Chris left the room to go down to a donation room to give his live sperm sample. (yeah no pressure there, right?) I told him not to worry about it, we had frozen back up if need be and my parting words to my husband as he walked away were, "have fun!"

The nurse hooked me up to two IVs through my right hand. One was for anti-nausea medication (where was that when I was home suffering?) and the other was pain medication for upcoming procedure. I don't think she gave me another sedative...but I could be wrong about that....

It was too long until Chris came back saying he had been "successful". 

Then off we walked into the surgery room. (I was so glad to have my walker this morning. I was unsteady on my feet and couldn't seem to stand up straight from the belly pain I was experiencing.)

They had to grab me a stool to stand on to get up on the bed, but that went more smoothly than I expected. Down I sckooched my little behind to the end of the bed, where they place booth my legs into stirrups... not my feet, just my legs and the knee bending joint. MUCH more comfortable for someone who can spread their legs easily due to Cerebral Palsy issues.

Chris was there sitting on a stool beside me, holding my hand. And our doctor of the day came in and placed tools necessary down into my body.... I don't remember everything that took place, but I wasn't asleep for the procedure. There was a screen you could watch to see what was going on. I opted to keep my eyes closed and just concentrate on getting through the pain.

Chris did watch the screen and so he could to see the little needle catch on to each follicle, take the eggs from the follicle, which would then flatten and empty that follicle completely.

In and out she went to each follicle she could reach.... I moaned through it all, but remained as still as I could, squeezing Chris' and the nurses' hand with a super grip from the major discomfort I was feeling.

Before I knew it the 10-15 minutes procedure was over. The nurse began to count how many eggs they were able to retrieve....32 eggs!

Off I went back to recovery and to sit in that recliner... Oooh how comfy it was! Eventually I felt good enough to try to eat a cracker or two and sip on apple juice. I was sore, but very little nausea which was such a blessing. 

Then came the walking to the bathroom pee test.... Yup, Chris helped with that one and I pee just fine. It was painful (being sore and all) but everything seemed to come out all right and my pee was the right color. (something we have to watch out for)

We were then allowed to get dressed and head home. I couldn't have gotten dressed without Chris' help. My body just kept saying, "Nope not gonna do that!" He helped me put on my socks, put the feet through pant leg holes and even put on my little boots..... What an awesome guy....

Now we're home...I'm situated in my recliner with the heating pad and a blanket.

Chris has already fed me soup for lunch (approved by the doctor) and I am sipping on Ginger Ale and Water respectively.

I am starting to feel a little nauseous again and suspect it's time for a nap... I'm hoping to encourage Chris to take one with me, and I think he'll be drained by today's events as well...

We will get a call later one about how many of those 32 eggs that are actually able to be used and also what Chris' sperm count number and activity looks like as well.

If you're willing, will you continue to pray for us? What a journey this has been so far and I can only imagine what will come next!

Joy comes in the morning

Wow........I'm so overwhelmed! Oh, where do I begin?

Chris was able to accompany me to the Fertility Clinic for our ultrasound appointment at 7:30 am. (No blood work needed)

Chris' sunrise photo taken Dec 1st posted on The Weather Network

So in I go to the exam table and lay down for today's ultrasound. I can tell something has been happening lately because I'm still feeling uncomfortable and...very full....

The ultrasound technician and Chris have geeky conversations about Comic Con and Star Wars as she begins to measure each follicle she's seeing. I will say I was barely listening to two of them because she was moving that dang ultrasound wand in every conceivable way within my uterus.

I just kept telling myself "Don't hit her." She did apologize a few times and I could tell she meant it. That helped. I remember saying outloud at one point, "I will not strangle you. I will not strangle you...." She thanked me for that one... chuckles The follicles that were tucked in the back were hardest to reach. She would press in hard to see them for measuring -- and measure she did!

Twenty-five follicles were measured this morning! Three of them are at 18 mms! What does that mean, you ask? Well, in all my research online it was really hard to find what type of number they were looking for to go ahead with the next step. I only found one website that mentioned 22-24 mms so I assumed our clinic would be the same. Oh no, I was wrong and I'm happy to say that!

We have scheduled our egg retrieval day for Friday morning at 8 o'clock!

Over the next few days I will following my new "Trigger Instructions". So...I hope you can follow what I am about to write out here...I can barely compute it all myself!

Wednesday December 2nd:

1. Do not take Gonal-F or Luveris today (we are all out of this drug anyhow, so need to worry)
2. Take your last dose of Cetrotide (we did this at 6:50 am this morning before leaving for our appt)
3. Take Milk of Magnesia at bedtime (2 tbsp of liquid)
4. Start Dostinex 0.5mg (oral pill) every day 3 days X 4 doses for the following days: Dec 2 (w/supper), 5th, 8th & 12th (at bedtime) (may cause nausea)
5. Take Lupron 0.6ml (injection needle) @ 8:00 pm

Thursday December 3rd:

1. Lupron 0.6m (injection needle) @ 6:00 am
2. Lorazepam (oral sedative) 1 mg @ bedtime

NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK AFTER MIDNIGHT

Friday December 4th:

1. Don't eat breakfast. No food or liquids. You may brush your teeth. Partner (Chris!) MUST have breakfast if accompanying you in the procedure room
2. Weigh yourself and continue to weigh yourself every morning
3. Take your antibiotic (Flagy) (oral pill) and sedative Lorazepam (oral sedative) 1 mg with sips of water @ 6:00 am (may cause dizziness) 
4. Arrive at clinic at 7:00 am
5. Egg retrieval is booked for 8:00 am
6. You will stay at the clinic for 1 hour after your egg retrieval

Remember no scented products and no makeup, nail polish, etc.

The ideal time frame for sexual abstinence is 2-3 days prior for the egg retrieval for ICSI

They will be freezing ALL the eggs..Well I think they will take Chris' live sperm and inject my egg to produce an embryo and then freeze the embryos. 

Why are they freezing everything instead of placing "fresh" embryos inside of me? I have a greater chance of developing OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Remember how worried I was about that during the Ovidrel shot they gave me to end the first round of drugs? Well, you have a greater chance of developing OHSS when pregnant and if they place the embryo back in right now it could trigger OHSS. They want to reduce that possibility as much as they can. I guess this is the way to do that.

So......uhm........yeah.......lots to take in!!!

Chris just keeps saying "holy crap" over and over again. He says he feels like his feet are not even touching the floor. 

I am much more nervous and overwhelmed but it all. I know that will also give me an IV sedative and medication for pain while in the procedure. 

I.am.petrified. I don't know why. I mean, I've gone through lots of surgeries in my life. This is just like those surgeries and this procedure only lasts 5-10 minutes. It's done right in the clnic. No hospital required.

Chris and I are off work for a few days -- with doctors notes! Our boss had already approved us to have an extra day off today and our regular day off is Thursday. Now, we will also have Friday off, for egg retrieval. 

Also, I will be off work until Monday to recover -- doctor's orders. 

We don't know if our boss will be giving Chris the weekend off as well or if he'll have to be in charge of the building while watching me like a hawk. (You know he will be beside me all weekend, doing just the bare minimum to keep the building going, if he is on call.) I have to admit, I'm hoping we're both off until Monday as I would like him near by while I recover.

I will have a lot of cramping, perhaps bleeding and copious amounts of pain over the weekend... I wish I had a heating pad...... Thankfully I am allowed to take Advil, Tylenol and Gravol if I need to. I don't think I'll be leaving the bed or couch very much and may not be up to snuff even come Monday.

Chris is feeling apprehensive about transportation to and from the clinic of Friday. I think he's afraid of taking a cab and things not going well there. Also, I get the feeling he may need someone for some moral support before and after. He's a good man and just wants to make sure to take care of us both, to the best of his abilities.

When I heard the big news today, after the excitement and anxiety wore off, I worried about my job and my boss' reaction. This is not the type of job where you can just take time off work and feel like everything will just continue to go smoothly. We are essential to the smooth operation and running of this building... Thankfully though our boss was wonderful when I called her. "Don't worry about a thing. I will take care of it all and figure out who can cover you. You just rest and recoup." 

I cried with relief after that call.... I really did.... I felt at peace and like I really could concentrate on what we're about to do next to become parents.

Wow.........parents...........gulps.........This might all result in our daughter or son coming into the world....

We've have already prayed once together...a wordless prayer of tears and choked sobs....we feel honored to have this opportunity to try to have children. No words can express the joy of just being able to try...... With our fertility issues we really didn't know if this would all ever be possible for us.

Round 2 Stim Day 11

Sim day 11! Tomorrow is a our big ultrasound and bloodwork day! :)

Ultrasound Results Nov 30th!

Well gee...THAT'S a surprise, isn't it?

Round 2 Stim Day 7 and 8

Will this be our last days of stims? We will know tomorrow morning at 7:20 am with our ultrasound. We keep praying that those follicles grow but who knows.... God...yup, God knows...



Our job is just to keep praying and Lord, hear my prayer......!

Round 2 Stim Day 6

Evening shots... I was not dressed and ready to video tape our morning Cetrotide shot. Sorry folks....



Also, some of our thoughts about what we're going through right now with work. We.are.done. Too tired to keep doing something that takes all of our time.... No time for a social life; no time for sweet evening time with my hubby.... I'm just tired....

Round 2 Stim Day 4 and 5

Round 2 Stim Days 4 & 5

Round 2 Stim Day 2 and 3

Round 2 Stim Days 2 and 3 all in one video! Trying to play catch-up!



It's go time!!!

Round #2 Stim day #1

There is no way I'm posting today's stim day shot video. The video is almost 40 minutes long and let me tell you this time it's MUCH more complicated than last time! I think we got it down pat for tomorrow but tonight was a total mess!

ARG!!!

Stim Day 1 is done. That's all that matters. The shots went into my belly and we will be doing our shots at about 6:30 pm every night for Gonal-F and Luveris.

It's Luveris that's the complicated drug to mix and figure out since they don't have Q-caps available at the pharmacy this time around.

I didn't have any reaction to the Luveris. The nurse said I may have a red itchy mark like I do with the Cetrotide shots but I think it took so long to prepare the drug and get it right that the Luveris must have mixed and settled long enough with the saline to not cause a reaction on my skin.

We will have to return to the pharmacy in a few days in order to pick up a few extra needles and syringes. We wasted two mixing syringes and bent one injection trying to prepare the Luveris. It's just doubly complicated without the Q-cap!

We suck at this...

Also, a smidgen amount of Luveris squirted out and landed on the table. I'm worried about that. It was so minuscule of an amount...but still... it was suppose to have gone in my body! I'm worried. I'm praying it wasn't enough to have mattered.

Chris is hanging out with his best friend watching wrestling tonight...I plan to take a hot bath and tuck into bed soon. I'm just drain and stressed from tonight's injection screw up.

Lastly I swore three times while prepare all the needles/syringes and didn't even notice I had been swearing under my breath until after I watched the video. Lord, please forgive me for my dirty mouth...

G'night all....

Our TTC Story and other info

Our TTC Story and our thoughts on Surrogacy, Fostering and Adoption and why we have chosen the path of IVF/ICSI.** One thing I did forget to mention in the video we did try and have kids on our own from August to November of 2014. Yes, a short period of time, but God had already begun to speak to my heart that something wasn't right.**

Round 2?

I started my cycle today. I mean it's sort of a medium going into heavy spotting. Tomorrow should be my first full flow day.

I was hesitant whether I should call the clinic today or tomorrow since today is a Friday and now we're going into the weekend. but I did call them and the nurse who answered returned my call reprimanded me for calling too soon. Boy, was I glad I did though!

Since we are now the 20th of November, we are very close to the date when the new law changes. (They're still guessing it'll be changing on the first but it could be anytime in December, really. No set date has been announced yet.) Because there is no set date for this stupid law change (my own personal opinion) as it stands, if my current cycle runs into December after the law change, they didn't know if I would be covered under the new law or if I would have to pay for all my treatment and then be reimbursed by the Ministry of Health once "approved" under the new law for our "one time at IVF".

*sigh* I thought I'd get in ONE FULL IVF try under the current law. That may not be the case.

So... they told me to come into to visit them, so I could be educated on how to take a new medication that has been issued to me with my next round of IVF. Luveris is another drug that helps follicles grow. I will be taking 300 units of Gonal-F at night and 150 units of Luveris at the same time. It comes in power form -- similar to the Cetrotide I take in the morning after I certain number of days of Gonal-F and Luveris.

After visiting the Fertility Clinic and having the nurse teach me how to prepare the medication for doses of Luveris, I came back to work without picking up any drugs. I was told to wait for a phone call, as my case was being discussed by the nurses, doctors and accounting department. 

Yes, I am a special case. I have always been a special case with doctors, but in this particular instance, I'm a special case because of my unique ability to fit into the "three tries at IVF" law just when it's about to change to "one try law". I get the feeling that I'm the only patient right now with Bilateral blocked fallopian tubes that's trying to have babies...

So after an afternoon of all of them debating  back and forth, crunching numbers and scrutinizing the law as they understand it thus to see how to make this work for me and our finances, they called me back at 3:20pm to say that I have a few options. 1) I can go ahead with IVF this round, and if I finish with all the drugs, ultrasounds, egg retrieval, ICSI and embryo transfer BEFORE the law changes (whenever that is) then, I'm still safe under the "three tries" law and I'll still have my "one chance" at IVF under the new law, if we need another chance at this thing 2) or if we start this round and the law changes half way through our IVF cycle but things are going well, they'll make sure I'm covered under the new law and the money for ICSI (Chris' procedure that we will have to pay under the current/old law) will be reimbursed to us as this ICSI is covered under the new law. Whether things go well or not with this chance, that will be our one shot at this. No other tries covered. 3) or we can begin this try at IVF, if half way through the law changes but we don't want to use our "one try" under the new law we can pay for the IVF procedure ourselves. Instead of paying $6,500 for it, they'll give us a discount at $5,000 and then we would still get our "one try" chance under the new law of this treatment is not successful.

Yes, this is a lot to take in. No, we don't have $5,000 squirrelled away and no I don't feel comfortable asking all my loved ones for money. 

*deep breath*

I'm praying for wisdom, but regardless we are going ahead and asking God to guide us along the way each day with every decision we will need to make on this journey.

More than likely tomorrow morning I will be calling the Fertility Clinic so I can head into their office for my ultrasound to get the "all clear" on not having any cysts in my uterus so we can continue with drug stim days. I will be picking up my three drugs, Gonal-F, Luveris and Cetrotide and we will begin round two tomorrow.

Pray for us if you get a chance, would ya? 

Chris and I are so beyond stressed right now, isn't not even funny.... So much going on at work......Things we are not talking about on social media and now this added pressure of making decisions because laws are changing.....This could very likely direct the future of our family. God is with us though and we much trust in The Lord and not lean on our understanding... Yes, Lord we are trusting in You; always You.

Symptoms

This is hard. I'm.......I'm doing well but not perfect.

The first night after the shot on Friday we noticed my weight had gone up 4.5 lbs in one day. (They say at 5 lbs you should be worried)

Then this morning I have been having a slightly higher heart rate and shortness of breath. I'm breathing okay but just a little shallower........

Chris made me relax today, watch movies and not do too much. He's been watching me like a hawk just in case we had to call 911. He's worried and so am I.

I'm doing a little better this evening. Still in constant prayer that over the next 9 days, now, I do not develop any further severe symptoms and yes, I did call the fertility clinic and let them know my symptoms. They said everything sounds okay and I am most likely overeacting. (Okay, she was polite enough not to say those words but that's exactly what she meant.)

Trigger Shot

Chris and I videotaped this morning's trigger shot injections but for some reason it has been magically erased from my laptop... Yes, I know it's very strange!

Well, I had two injections this morning of "Ovidrel" at 250 units each. The are both "epi-pen" style injections exactly like our Gonal-F pens, but just in the color blue! Spiffy, I know...

I have been most concerned about this day...the day I take the trigger shots because of something called OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). If you click on that blue link it'll tell you more about OHSS.
OHSS is very serious and lucky for me I have a higher than normal chance of having a severe reaction to the Ovidrel trigger shots. If I remember correctly, I have a 9% chance of having a severe reaction. Yay...fun.....So for the next 10 days I have to be watchful to make sure I do not develop any side effects in severity to this drug. Such tension and stress to deal with this as I worry...

The reason they've given me the trigger since is to release any eggs in my follicles so we can now scrap this round of fertility drugs and then start anew in two weeks. Women who have PCOS (like me) have a higher chance of having OHSS. The complications of OHSS may include:

• Fluid collection in the abdomen and sometimes the chest
• Electrolyte disturbances (sodium, potassium, others)
• Blood clots in large vessels, usually in the legs
• Kidney failure
• Twisting of an ovary
• Rupture of a cyst in an ovary, which can lead to serious bleeding
• Breathing problems
• Pregnancy loss from miscarriage or termination because of complications
• Rarely, death

Again, I reiterate...FUN!

*sigh*

So far, I've only had about 3 minutes of feeling an ever so slight nausea and a few twinges of pain on my left side about where my ovaries are located, but I do have another nine days of monitoring to go through. 

We are praying for NO symptoms to show up and cause trouble for us. 

How are we feeling otherwise? A little let down and frustrated. 

I mean, I know intellectually that the doctors couldn't have known my body wouldn't react to the low-dose of Gonal-F like it did. It's all very "trial & error" ish when it comes to infertility issues and drug doses but it is hard to swallow that pill and still get hopeful.

We are not giving up hope though. I pray that my period cycle starts in two weeks as it should. Please Jesus, please....

In the meantime, I'll be getting back into my morning swimming before work. Yay I'm allowed to exercise again! Also, I plan on trying to lose a few more pounds over the course of these weeks as the "Ideal" BMI is between 19-25 for fertility. (I only found out about those numbers two weeks ago watching one of the slides go by on the TV screens at the clinic.) I'd have to be 128 lbs to reach that goal. *snorts in disbelief* Yeah, that's not gonna happen overnight but I can inch my way down slowly. Being in the 60's (I'm at 170 lbs now) would be helpful.... low 60's is achievable... so that's my new goal.

I wish I could afford a trainer and a dietician but we all know that's not going to happen. A trainer is expensive so I'll just continue with swimming laps, stretching and other...uh.... things with Christopher I shall not mention here...

I think I'll shall do a happy dance when I reach 169 lbs and do not dip up to 170 lbs once again. 

Stim Day 11

Stim Day 11 and our Ultrasound #4 results.



Lots to talk about...!

Stim Day 10

Stim Day 10!!!! I can't believe we've been doing these shots for 10 days now! Phew! Tomorrow we have ultrasound #4! :) Praying for very mature follicles! Grow follies grow!

Stim Day 9

Stim Day 9 and Ultrasound #3 Results. Finally some good news! Praise The Lord!!!

Stim Day 8

Stim Day 8 and starting to feel the symptoms of the medication kick in a little bit. Feeling annoyed and irritated about everything today!

Stim Day 7

Stim Day 7 and the results of our ultrasound and bloodwork.......... I'm too frustrating to write out a post about my feelings tonight......maybe tomorrow.....maybe....

Stim Day 6!!!

Two shots for today...... Cetrotide and Gonal-F... It was so complicated to prepare Cetrotide compared to Gonal-F but we did it!

Great date as well!

Thank you, my husband! I love you, Christopher!!!

Stim Day 5

Stim Day 5... We could do these shots in our sleep now! We're just ol' pros at it.



I'm very worried the follicles haven't grown as much as I thought they should by now. Yes, it's "normal" for little to no growth to have taken place at this point but still...I'm worried.....

Friday 30th AM appt update

We are only praying more progress on our next ultrasound. :) I'll be doing a longer written blog this weekend as I process some of my thoughts in the last few days.



Love you all!

Stim Day 4

Tomorrow we head into the Infertility clinic to check on my little follicles. Will you pray with us that they are developing on schedule? I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling as much pressure or bloating in my belly today.



Thank you all for praying with us!

Stim Day 3!!!

Stim Day Three is complete!



I really did have a day of feeling very uncomfortable. It was hard to move around as per normal. I was very aware of any bending over and pushing I did on my bladder in my day-to-day movements. Normally, I had out notices under people's doors as one of the tasks of my job and every time I bent over today I did it so awkwardly that my belly felt really uncomfortable.



I don't know if I'll even be able to do that tomorrow! The feeling never fades or dissipates.



I'm so tired that I'm just going to go collapse in bed now. No more talk with my mushy, foggy brain.... ugh... I hate waking up in the wee hours of the morning when it's a work day!



G'night all....love you and God bless you!

Stim Day 2!!!

Already done with Day TWO! I'm already feeling some pressure in my belly.

I remember waking up last night at 3 am all excited and happy. I am actually surprised I even got back to sleep I was just on pins and needles with excitement!

I now have a full cycle flow as of today. (yesterday was just spotting) but all is good. It's not super heavy but more like a normal flow would be for me.

Happy 40th Birthday, my husband

I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound yesterday on the 26th, and we go the go ahead to start our Stim days!! How exciting!!!

We plan to video tape as much as of it as we can and post it on youtube so you can all follow along if you wish and find how everything is going step-by-step.

This is all for the Glory of God!!!

Praise Jesus!!!

The eagle has been spotted!!!

It's official! The eagle has now been spotted and it's approaching its landing! What an awesome thing to have happen on such a crummy weekend!

When I showed Chris the spotting we were actually absolutely ridiculously and very nerdy-like high-fived. giggle...snort I think we've waited for this moment for so long that the joy of being in the moment just kinda propelled us to do something totally abnormal.. I can count on one hand the number of times I've high-fived with my husband... I think I won't tell my future kid this story. Nope, leaving the awkward, nerdy moment out of story time....

Now we just wait for actual landing of the eagle. (a full-flow day of menstrual cycle) and then I make The Call! This call will put everything in motion. I'll be going in for an ultrasound and blood work to determine everything is a-okay before I start the Gonal-F that evening.

Wow....think of that, eh? It's so close... We are so blessed by God for this opportunity...so many people don't even get this one chance....this is a humbling moment....

I'll be worshipping with an extra kick in my step this morning -- even as we worship online from home. (We are "on call" this weekend, so there's no travelling for church.)

Glory to God!

Extraordinary Faith in a Supernatural God

Okay, I admit it, I cried on and off all day. Yup. Feeling pretty blue. I called the Fertility Clinic to be on the waiting list so that when the new law change takes affect eventually, if we can come up with $6,500, we can continue with IVF cycles.

We still get our one chance at this for sure, but we just don't know if we'll get a second chance squeezed in before the "awesome" law change. Yeah.... not feeling so awesome about it, can ya tell?

Apparently the waiting list is LONG and we are not sure if there's any priority to women who are already current patients at the IVF clinic.

Here is some information on their website...

I am a current OFC patient, how do I get onto the wait list?

• If you have been seen by one of our physicians in the past year, you may contact their office to assess if you need updated pre-treatment testing and an IVF consent signing appointment. If you have never discussed IVF with your physician previously, you may need a follow-up appointment first. Your physician’s office administrator will direct you on how to proceed.
• If you have not been seen by an OFC physician within the past year, you will need a new referral from your GP.

- See more at: http://www.conceive.ca/2015/10/08/october-8-update-on-ontario-ivf-funding-at-ofc/#sthash.G2kLI0rH.dpuf


I have a feeling that thousands of woman are already on the waiting list.... my chances of having more than one IVF cycle before I'm too "old" are slim to none. Still.... God is the God of impossible things. 

When I got home this evening, I took off my work shirt and rummaged through Chris' side of the closet. I had just wanted to put on one of his comfy t-shirts but when I saw his Superman T-shirt I was inspired. I know that The Lord God has supernatural powers and I am a child of God. Chris' t-shirt will keep me hoping....

Now, we are off the for the weekend (as of 8pm when we hand over the trusty On Call phone to our co-worker). We've had a long day of work and I feel the need to laugh and be happy about life instead of worrying about something I can't prevent or change. So... I'm going to challenge Chris to a game! Oooh I am excited! "The Game of Life" here we come!

God's timing in all things

Deep cleansing breath...

We don't have a date yet when the new law surrounding fertility will officially change. We do know it is set to change "sometime in December (2015)" and will only allow us to have ONE chance at IVF once the law change takes place. So just like that we go from three chances to one chance in a blink of an eye. All this time wasted with tests... here we are still waiting for my cycle to start....

I have to admit I was so angry when I found out the news. I ranted for a good three hours until I could calm down again...I've been praying like crazy and not even praying for three chances, so much, but for one of two things to happen:

1) We have baby with only ONE IVF/ICSI session!!! Whoo-hoo! This would be the most awesome miracle of all... seriously I'd do the ugly happy cry... It would make me all blotchy and puffy...so not pretty, but totally want it to happen anyhow!

2) We are able to squeeze in two IVF/ICSI sessions before the law changes in December. This is still a possibility since we don't know the actual date yet... The later and closer to Christmas it is the better our chances will be of this possibility. (My next goal is to find out how long between sessions you have to wait to recover from IVF sessions.)

I'm trying to stay positive and just hope my cycle comes on time so baby making at the clinic can happen.

In the meantime, good news! The couple on YouTube that I am following who are going through their own IVF cycle may be pregnant with Baby #2! Squee! I'm so thrilled for them!

It's so exciting to see someone else's joy and positivity through this whole process! SOOO inspring!

.....Lastly I am considering doing my own YouTube vlogs about our IVF/ICSI journey....

Why am I consider this crazy idea? I want more women/couples who are mildly physically disabled see the process through what we go through. Even in the 21st Century, women who are physically challenged, still have to fight for right to bear children. We are judged by doctors and nurses, told we shouldn't try and have children. "It's too risky with your condition," they say to us, not realizing that there is viable research out there showing that Cerebral Palsy doesn't affect our ability to carry healthy chidlren to term without any complication to the child or mother.

That right.... that right that every woman in this world has is still so rare to us.... I have felt a calling from God to document our journey and now I think the Lord is leading me to document in a highly vulnerable way...

I hate pictures and video of myself. I'm overweight and it's really hard to be "okay" with seeing myself captured at the weight I am but I know journey is not about me, or even about Chris and me; it's about God and His desires for our life.....

I guess Carrie Sue from the YouTube videos I have been watching has inspired me to step out of comfort zone and do something further for Christ. I've been praying about this for several weeks and everytime I do God speaks to my heart... Another deep cleansing breath...this time of faith to be brave for Him...

Agreement? ........What agreement do you speak of, kind Sir?

After a lengthy discussion with Chris I agreed to wait until after the Thanksgiving Holiday to call the Fertility Clinic. Yeah... I didn't stick by that agreement.... chuckles...

When you're freaking out over the idea of still not getting your menstrual cycle you kinda just...take action even when agreements are made! Don't blame me; blame my silly body for not responding the way it should!

Our doctor has put me back on the Provera (uterine lining thinning medication). So I should be starting my cycle at about the 24th/25th of this month. Just before Chris' 40th birthday. :)

I feel sooooooo much better since I called!

sigh of relief

How low can you go?

I was the first patient to have their blood drawn at our fertility clinic this morning. I was up even before the crack of dawn. (Okay, I usually am since I typically swim in the morning but still I'm trying to be dramatic here, people!)

The nurse called me mid-afternoon and told me " Your numbers are low and this means you should be getting your menstrual cycle any day now. Just continue to be patient!"

So, here I go back to twiddling my thumbs and waiting.... Chris and I are not surprised, actually, as all the usual signs that my cycle is on its way showed up on cue. I was moody and short tempered. (I actually feel like whacking him over the head with a frying pan, when he's being too much of a man and not listening to me, but I do refrain.... somehow...)

Then I get all lovey dovey and want to snuggle with him. I cuddle and tell him I love him. He is the best man in the whole world. So kind, sweet and sexy....

Next comes the "let's go in the bedroom!" moments which I won't explain further since you can all catch my drift there.

Lastly comes the weeping tears and blues... I feel so alone and that I am the only person in the whole world that can feel the way I feel.

When all of these things do start to happen, we recognize that my cycle must be just around the corner. Usually my cycle starts within a week or two...not this time! Hence my worry and concern -- I admit I am still feeling worry and concern.

So... I shall wait and try and de-stress some more. Thankfully, Chris and I have the day off from work tomorrow. It will be a day of shopping (stocking up on supplies and food for the next week and a half) and cleaning the apartment. Maybe I'll even do a little dancing while I clean! think awkward Elaine dancing from "Seinfeld" but instead of little kicks I do this butt wiggle thingy

As soon as "the eagle has been spotted" I will let y'all know. I know you're all just on the edge of your seats waiting in anticipation! ;) chuckles Yeah...right....

Twiddling thumbs just a little longer!

No Aunt Flo yet. I know, I know! I am not a patient person either!

I think my body is confused about what it's supposed to do. I mean, if you think about it, the only reason it's been really steady and on time with my cycles the past few month's is because of the uterine thinning lining medication. Typically I have very sporadic "moon cycles" and they usually last two weeks. So, I'll have two weeks on and then two weeks off... It's a nightmare!

Since taking this new medication, though, my cycle has been very heavy but "normal" in length and time of the month. The last moon cycle was only 7 days -- just like everyone else is supposed to be!

Now that we are all done with our testing they have taken me off the medication and my body is just saying, "What do you want me to do here? I don't understand!" I knew this was going to happen. My gut just knew...

I did call the fertility clinic in order to get a refill on my thyroid medication as I've run out so I did ask my favorite receptionist what I should do. She suggested I wait until the end of the weekend to see if I start my cycle and if not, to call again on Monday. Hence the twiddling of my thumbs!

No, I am not pregnant. I mean...we have had...y'know....fun in the bedroom cue the Barry White music here but I have taken three  home pregnancy tests to be sure and no...nothing....

I have a feeling they'll have me take a blood test to confirm I'm not pregnant and then place me on birth control to sort of jump start my cycle when they take the birth control away again. I am SO frustrated at that prospect for a few reasons.

a) My body has never reacted well to oral birth control. I bleed like a stuck pig and clot like nobodies business. (yes I'm being graphic. If you can't hack it, I apologize! I'm honest and blunt, at least!) Birth control is supposed to prevent you from bleeding for three weeks and then once its removed for that one week period you are to have your monthly cycle. My body doesn't react that way. I bleed almost immediately when birth control is introduced to my body. It's actually a little frightening just how much I bleed.

b) If we try this method this means we'll be waiting longer to start our Stim Cycle days (days when I take the stimulation drugs Gonal-F and Cetrotide). Again, I reiterate we cannot afford to wait any longer and what I mean by "afford" is not monetarily. Time is running out because of the IVF law changing.

c) There are major changes going on at work right now....Things I will not get into here but having IVF/ICSI delayed is really poor timing in regards to these company changes. It's stressing me out.... I'm panicking a little inside as I don't handle change well....

So, here I sit and wait and keep checking every time I pee to see if I'm spotting. Nope, I have not spotted the "eagle" as we are calling it in code during office hours.

On other note, our fellow co-worker mentioned an article she read about the new IVF law change to take place here in Ontario. sigh I'm so stressed out and this article about the law changing "any day now" is not helping to relieve my anxieties!

http://www.thestar.com/news/queenspark/2015/09/30/ontario-delay-of-ivf-treatment-plan-leaves-aspiring-parents-waiting.html

What they don't say in the article is how this affects current IVF patients who are already eligible for three tries at IVF under OHIP. I'm so worried there will not be a grandfather clause for Chris and I to still be eligible for our three tries. We may only get one shot at this... and that can very likely fail. We know the odds, we are hyper aware this is all just one moment away from not being available to us.

God, though, is here with us. He is aware of what is going on and He has every under control.... I keep telling myself that over and over again... 

I hope this weekend will be stress free as Chris and I have the weekend off from work. We will be staying at a friend's house (We call it the "The Hotel".) They're such people to allow us both a chance to get away from this little world of ours and relax in good company.

I can't wait to kick their butt at Pictionary and Joker Rummy! Bring it on! grins

Waiting for Aunt Flo

Well, our fertility drug counselling session was bumped up a day!

They originally moved the appointment time for tomorrow from 1 pm to 2 pm and we were fine with that change. We had moved our usual day off this week from Wednesday to Thursday to accommodate this appointment. Then, this morning I get a call from the clinic asking us if we can come in either today or Friday instead. So, we got the okay from our co-worker that he could work the day alone and we switched our day off
back to today.

The appointment was just to go over the drug information. We arrived at the clinic a little early on purpose to pick up our drugs from the pharmacist. I will be on Gonal-F at 112.5 units and then after 3 or 4 days add a second drug called... Cetrotide...yes, that's it.

The second drug will only be introduced after an ultrasound is done to see how body is reacting to the Gonal-F. Gonal-F will enhance my follicle growth. Apparently, it's likely I will really produce a lot of follicles as my follicles looked awesome when they checked my Fallopian tubes during that session where they pushed water through them to see if they were any blocks. The doctor performing the ultrasound that day stated how wonderful my follicles looked, so that's promising.

I have a feeling it'll be very, very uncomfortable once the follicles start to grow. As Carrie Sue from the YouTube videos "a Sue and a Jay" stated "it feels like a softball is stuck up there inside me".

Back to the drug information from today. We were taught how to prepare the syringes and needles and also how to inject them. (We used a pink foam puck as my guinea pig for my stomach). I will admit I am a little too enthusiastic with the needle puncturing part. I thought I'd have to really jam it in my skin before pressing down on the syringe to inject the drugs, but no..... the first time I pulled back to plunge the needle in the puck I stabbed my thumb instead. It didn't hurt, just shocked me! Chris chastised me dearly and I was thoroughly embarrassed (but kindly). Eventually I got it through my head that I needed to have "less oomph" in my abilities. I think I got it right in the end....

Now we are just waiting for Aunt Flo to arrive. I never thought I'd want to see Aunt Flo. (AF) But this time I'm hoping she comes on time (for the last two months I started at about the 29/30th of the month).

So, here I sit and wait...twiddles thumbs 

Learning to de-stress

In three days Chris and I will be heading into the Fertility Clinic to discuss IVF and all the different steps in the "Antagonist Protocol" we will be going through! Yay!

In the meantime, I'm just trying to find ways to stay calm and de-stress. I must say I'm really enjoying the de-stressing mode. :)

I've rediscovered an old try and true method that works for me. Yes, I'm just a big ol' kid at heart so... isn't any wonder that coloring seems to do the trick nicely? The more intricate and complicated the picture the better! Here is "Dreamer", my latest creation I'm working on. Isn't he lovely? (Yes, he's a he! I don't know why I know that, but he is...and he was in my dream last night after I started to color him yesterday evening..)

I picked up an adult coloring book called "Color Me Yourself 2" from Costco last week and boy, am I having some fun! Chris seems to be totally okay with my relaxing method in the evening now and I can actually feel my body ease and relax much quicker in the evenings.

Of course, other ways to relax and decompress at the end of my days has worked too. Good music, good dancing, great giggling with my hubby.... grins

Also, when I was really getting anxious about the tranquilizer last week, I went to you tube and typed in "egg retrieval" and "tranquilizer" and just happened to find another Christian couple who was going through the Antagonist Protocol treatment! Yay! They posted each and every step of their process and I must say, watching "a Sue and a Jay" videos really did help ease my mind.

So, slowly but surely I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of a tranquilizer. I do not expect it all to be easy. I actually expect it to be very difficult and painful but I'm looking at it more positively and remaining relaxed.

I'll post again once Thursdays appointment is over! Tell y'all what happens next!

bounces off to snuggle with Chris in bed

Tranquilizer

This is such a scary word!

Apparently, I am going to be shot in the butt cheek with a tranquilizer.

chin quivers

Can you imagine the amount of pain that my body will endure just to remove my cute little tiny eggs will require a tranquilizer shot?!

Yes, I am terrified.

The Fertility Clinic made Chris and I watch this video of all the different steps we will take when going through IVF/ICSI so we are aware of the step-by-step action to get from Point A (not ovulating or pregnant) to Point B (ovulating and then quite possibly pregnant). Also within these videos we watched they mentioned the egg retrieval day. Then they said that Big Scary Word, Tranquilizer, and my itty bitty head screamed silently in horror and I honestly didn't hear another word after that. I sat there and panicked inside for the next two hours.

Chris kept telling me to calm down and that I'd be "fine".

"FINE?!" I wanted to shout at him, "Do you know how much pain my body must have to endure to deem a tranquilizer necessary to do this procedure?" I mean really, all Chris has to do is give another live sperm sample and hold my hand. *gulps* I........on the other hand..........

takes a deep breath

It's been five whole days since we heard about the tranquilizer and I gotta say I"m not any happier now, five days later, than I was about this prospect.

........................Why couldn't they have just said the word sedative? I wouldn't be so terrified, lying in bed at 3 am thinking of the word sedative, would I?

I will do anything for my babies........even allow the doctors to give me a tranquilizer shot in my butt, but I'm tellin' ya, I'm not happy with this whole scenario at all.

Mental Note: Always check your junk mail folder

The caller ID read "No Caller ID". I thought for sure it was one of those scam type things and almost let it just go to voice mail. I was just finishing my lunch hour and only had a few more minutes to spare before I headed back down to my tiny little office.

Reluctantly, I answered, "Hello?" I said.

"Rose?" A woman on the other end of the phone replied.

"Yes?" I knew who this was. I mean, I didn't know her by name but I knew she must be one of the women from the Fertility Clinic because no one but doctors and nurses call me, "Rose".

We got The Call! The second very important call in the same week! Wow! Here we thought we'd be receiving this call sometime next week and it was only Thursday and we got The Call!

Apparently she had emailed me some info which was bumped to my junk mail folder (which I check every other day). This email contained an information video we will need to watch in order to understand IVF. Also, she was calling to call about my weight loss and menstrual cycles.

I have lost some weight since we began this process, but not as much as I'd like. Apparently my BMI needs to be under 35 in order to eligible to continue with the IVF process. Thankfully it is... just slightly but enough to qualify. I will continue to drink water, swim and watch my portion sizes in order to continue to drop a pound or two to stay within the "safe zone". At this stage in the game, I really don't need anymore delays.

Furthermore, I am actually thankful for the "uterine lining meds" the doc has given me because it has naturally regulated my cycle into a pattern we can predict for my next potential ovulation cycle, which also means we were able to schedule the IVF counselling session!

Our session has been booked for the 24th. Then I will call them the first full flow day of my period to go back in and have my blood work done and an ultrasound performed. I guess it's double-check on everything Then, I will pay for those very expensive IVF drugs ($1,000 per "try" even with our drug coverage from work).

She mentioned something about having to go in a few times over the course of a few days once I receive the drugs. I'm sure it's to make sure things are progressing as they should within my body. If all goes well, they'll extract my eggs and Chris will give a fresh sperm sample.

Next the magic happens and some lab tech along with the doctor puts those two awesome pieces of us together in order for his sperm to find my egg. Maybe they'll play a little Barry White's "Let's get it on!" for our guys! chuckles Following this, the itty bitty embryo will be placed back inside of me to attach successfully to my uterine wall.

So... she said that should all take place by about the middle-ish of next month. grins

We can't help but be excited about the prospect of being parents! Are we aware of all the things that could go wrong along the way? Yes, we don't doubt that those things might happen, but we have faith that in God's timing. All we can do, is our part and stay positive!

I know these drugs will kick my butt. I know that this will be the hardest thing I ever go through in my entire life. I'm scared and nervous and so sure that God is with us.

"With faith anything is possible..." This is us dreaming about the possibilities tonight.... I think I know what cloud nine feels like now. :)

The Call

Got the call!!! bounces with excitement

Our fertility doctor's receptionist called me at 1:45 pm and squee! we received my CF results back! I do not carry the CF gene which means we do not have to worry about our children having CF even though Chris is a carrier. bounces with more excitement

She then said we will receive a call next week to set up our first appointment to continue on with our IVF/ICSI process. I'm assuming that means we will set up a time to go through our "IVF Counselling" in order to fully understand the IVF process and our roles in that process.

bounces just a little more...

When I told Chris the good news a whole hour after the phone call (he was busy in the compactor room) all he could say was, "Holy crap!" for a few minutes and finally "I need to get the baby room cleared out. I need to finish it." I told him he needed to finish sorting and selling his baseball and hockey cards. He didn't seem so pleased with that prospect but he knows I'm right. It's time to sell them. We will use the money to buy a baby crib.

Chris and I needed this good news... We really did... Praise God.....! Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah!!!

I am on my second month of menstrual cycles while taking the prescription drug medroxyprogesterone acetate (or "uterine medication" as Chris so aptly put it just now). This stuff is strong and it totally keeps me within walking distance of a bathroom every 120 mins. This whole shedding my thickened uterine lining business is not for wusses! You really have to be committed and stock up on those extra thick overnight with wings menstrual pads or you're screwed! Chris has learned very quickly which pads I need for which part of my cycle... the poor man is like every other husband in the world. Whenever I send him to the store alone, he'll call just to verify, "They're purple right? Is it okay if don't have wings?"

"No!" I respond in a panicky voice, "They must have wings otherwise they're ineffective! Please find the ones with wings in the purple color, hon. I swear they are there."

Once he even asked another woman in the store if he was getting the right ones, just to be sure. Chuckles...

So, with all that being said, Chris and I will have to celebrate this awesome news very soon! Maybe a candlelit dinner or a weekend away... grins I'll make it a night my husband can't soon forget!

Karyotype with a dash of stress, please

Another set of test results are back. This is Chris' last test results we needed. This time it had to with Karyotype test results... I honestly had no idea what a "karyotype" even was. Thank God for google!

It's a test that checks out Chris' chromosomes and makes sure they are not abnormal, missing or extra copies of chromosomes. He could even have very large pieces of his genetic coding missing.

Thankfully his Karyotype results were completely normal. Yes, as odd and goofy as my husband is, he is 100% normal.

Yay! :)

Now, I'm not sure what to blame his weird obsessions with baseball cards, scores and wrestling statistics on.... Yes, I do realize he is male but c'mon... wrestling?? Shudders!! (He's actually watching wrestling on his laptop as I type this! Ugh! I truly hope our children do not inherit that part of Christopher.)

Now we must wait, one last time, on my final results to come in. These results will be on my blood work to see if I, too, carry the Cystic Fibrosis gene. Chris and I have been informed we should have these results within a week.

We have decided to wait two weeks before we start bugging them again for my test results. :) I can be a pain in the butt when I need to be! (Just ask my step-father... I can't tell you the number of times he rolled his eyes at my during my teenage years! giggles)

In the meantime, both of us need to get back on track with more proper eating habits (for baby's sake) and we need continue to save a little more money for "The Baby Fund". Since we don't know how many rounds it will take to produce a little one in my belly Chris and I will need to try our best to have enough savings for three rounds of IVF ready and available for when that time comes.

Lately, I have become most concerned  about my stress level. My job is extremely demanding and comes with a high amount of stress day in and day out. Chris and I work over 50 hours a week with an high level of demands placed on our heads. We work along side each other trying to better the lives of those around us as we take care of the residential apartment high-rise building which houses over 209 apartments and over 300 tenants and occupants.

In any given day I have approximately 75 tenants, 20 contractors, 15 prospective tenants and our supervisor calling for my attention, decision and action on any given subject. We are on call 24 hours a day on a bi-weekly basis, working up to 9 days straight in a row. Half the month we cannot leave the building any further than a 10 minute radius so that we can get back quickly if need be.

Chris and I don't have a car so a 10 minute radius means we really can't go anywhere since even walking to our local mall is a little our of a ten minute walking range that is allowable. Eventually you kinda feel like a rat stuck in a rat maze...

I will admit I have a love/hate relationship for my job. I chose this field of work and I'm glad for it. It comes with a lot of rewards and the biggest reward is that I get to spend my everyday alongside Chris. (His stress levels are just as high as my own.)

My worry is for the potential little baby that will grow inside my body one day soon. He or she will feel that stress and tension day and day out. I know that this stress could affect my body in some pretty negative ways. I'm afraid my stress might be so high it could cause me to lose the baby and miscarry....

I haven't discussed these fears yet with Chris because, to be honest, I haven't been able to find the words yet to articulate this fear I have... This is my first opportunity to real voice my concerns.

With the help of The Lord anything is possible -- even finding ways to relieve my stress and ease my anxiety but honestly.... my job is just very, very demanding........ There is only one of me....only one woman that runs that office all day long and when I'm not there and we have a day or weekend off from work all the "office work" just gets pushed back a day until I come back to work and then I have to do double the work just to catch up to the demand of the tenants and staff once again. There is no body to carry that burden with me.... not in the way I need it, at least...

Hmmm.... I'll have think on this.... I do know my gut keeps telling me that if I am pregnant I will most likely have to be bedridden.... I have no idea why this thought keeps coming back to me, but it does. Over and over again. I get the feeling that will happen. I don't know if it will be because of the stress, because I'm disabled (and all the fears that go along with that with doctors) or because of my weight or, perhaps, a combination of all three. Only time will tell what truly happens.

In the meantime, I plan on finding ways to relieve my stress... I will be honest this will be quite hard for me. I am not great at not worrying about things. (Isn't it my job to worry about every little thing?! Chuckles)

Any prayer in this direction that friends and family reading this could offer would greatly be appreciated. Hugs

Thank you guys for going on this journey with us. We couldn't do it with all your love and support. :)

Gut Punch

Well, I didn't see that one coming.... About once a week I give the Fertility Clinic a call to see if Chris' CF test results are in. I called on Wednesday and left a message, but my cell phone started acting up in the afternoon, during the company BBQ, so I called again on Thursday and left another message.

My phone rang on Friday, just at the end of our lunch hour, and it was our doc. Doc says Chris' CF results are back..... Chris is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. So this means we may have a 25% chance of having a child with CF.... to determine whether that's the case I need to be tested too. If I'm not a carrier then we don't need to be worried about Chris' carrier gene.

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I wasn't upset with the test results, I was upset by how long it will be until we get my results back now. Since Chris shows he is a carrier, they now want to test me. That will take another 3 to 4 months to receive those results. We do not have that kind of time, if the law giving us three chances to perform IVF on OHIPs dime in supposed to be changing by the end of the year in 2015.

As it is now, my test results will come back about October.... That might give us one chance at IVF.

Tears weld up in my eyes and I told the doctor how frustrating this news was to hear because of the time frame we were looking at. I could hear the sympathy in his voice. The doc wanted me to come in as soon as possible to get the blood work done and even asked if I could come in that day. Unfortunately I couldn't. (My job is demanding) but I do plan on going in on Monday.

Our doctor asked us for my email address to send the requisition to us and then I could get it done at a blood lab closer to home, but I still haven't received that email so the doc must have gotten the email address wrong, somehow... yes, I did check my junk mail folder, people. ;)

I'll have to go to the Fertility Clinic on Monday, since I didn't get the email to go elsewhere, which we be an expensive cab ride there and back but... it is what it is...I can't wait another day... This has to get done quickly!

After hanging up the phone, Chris and I were both shaken to the core by the news. We sat there in silence for a moment, holding hands and saying our own wordless prayer.

I called a good friend, but had to leave a message on her voicemail to call me back. Still I needed to talk to someone, immediately.

Two days before, on our company BBQ day, a fellow co-worker from Head Office gave Chris and I a ride. Katie (name changed) and I chatted in the car and Chris and I told her the news about trying to have a baby through IVF and ICSI with the Fertility Clinic. Well... it turns out Katie, was a patient at the Fertility Clinic many moons ago. Her doctor was the doc that performed my salt-water ultrasound where they discovered I had funky Fallopian tubes! Small world!

Katie's daughter is an IVF baby. :) Well, we bonded over that information instantly. Katie is one of my favorite people in the company Chris and I work for. Now though, we feel connected just a little more...

After leaving the message with my friend, whom I couldn't get a hold of, I went to see Katie. I needed to talk to a woman, someone who could understand what I was feeling. Thankfully Katie was just coming back to the office from her own lunch hour so we slipped into an empty office to chat. Oh how we shed some tears and hugged! It was wonderful to have another person who's gone through some of the same processes I'm going through sit and listen to me.

She's a good friend... a good listener...and an excellent confidante. I'm ever so grateful to God for Katie.

With Katie's support, and my friend who called me back later in the afternoon who listened and prayed, my mother and sister, and also my very best friend, by the end of the day, after speaking to so many strong and courageous woman, I felt just a little less rattled.

I'm still hurt.........this sets this process back another four months or so before we can get started, but as my sister and best friend pointed out, just because the law is set to change by the end of 2015, doesn't mean it will. Laws get delayed all the time -- especially if they haven't dotted all their I's and crossed all their T's. I feel so guilty about praying for time, more time until the law changes.

I've cried a few more times today, but I will not give up hope until God tells me to. I will not surrender to the gut punch that took me down yesterday afternoon. I will not lie down and stay down, for that's what the devil wants. This is God's plan. His decision and as long as I have Christ by my side there is always hope.

This might have started out with a big blow to my stomach, taking my breath away and deflating all the hope in me, but a little tiny prayer, made me gasp for breath and fill my lungs again to praise Him in this storm. This fight is not over. This is just another hurdle to climb and boy am I used to climbing over hurdles in my life!

Silent prayers

Our pool, isn't it lovely?

Most mornings I wake up, stumble into the bathroom to change into my bathing suit and head down to the pool. Honestly, I abhor getting up before I have to start my work day but once I am downstairs and see the glorious pool, still and inviting me in, I can't resist. 

That first dip....oh how sweet it is...! Thankfully it's kept at a really nice temperature and regardless of the season, after just a few laps I'm quite warm and comfortable. 

Most days I put in a 100 laps but there are some days I'm only able to do 50 laps. Our work schedule is demanding and even "after hours" we're truly not done our work day since we are superintendents. 

I do what I can, when I can... but still the weight is not coming off as I would like. I have lost about 10 to 12 pounds, depending on the day, but can't seem to dip under the 170 lb mark. GRRRR!

Everyday I trust in the Lord is another day of success, but I do have my moments of feeling awfully frustrated!

My husband has not received his Cystic Fibrosis testing back yet, but we have received one test back. The secretary's email we received yesterday said this, "genetic tests - the Y Chromosome Microdeletion test came back and it is normal." 

I have no idea what a microdeletion test is nor do we know it was being performed! :) As it turns out -- thanks to Wikipedia -- it has something to do with Chris' low sperm count.... yay for being normal...?

Still though...the CF testing.......everyday we don't get the result back means another day closer to the law changing to eliminate our possibility of three chances with IVF through OHIP.... This waiting...hoping and more waiting is driving me crazy. I want action. I want to be doing something.......but all I can do is swim, pray and wait patiently. 

*stifles a scream* I don't do very well with waiting patiently. Chris will tell you I'm an action girl. I expect things done in a timely, logical manner. I expect this at work (as he is my co-worker) and I expect it in our personal life too........of course.........I obviously do not control whoever doles out the test results at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. 

We are just a number, an email request they received daily from a doctor amongst many request for test results. The hospital has no idea how time sensitive these results are to our possibilities of children, nor do they care. 

Thankfully God cares..............I pray often, daily.......several times a day, as a matter of fact....when I swim, when I eat, when I breathe......

I am so glad for our very busy and demanding job to distract both of us. There is always something needing our attention, so I just give my attention to that demand and need of another person as much as I possibly can...

God hears my silent, wordless prayers....