While we sat waiting for the doctor I cried. Y'know those big, hot tears that just won't stop and makes your cheeks all red and splotchy? Yup, as Oprah would've put it, "the ugly cry." I did that. I ugly cried right there waiting for the doctor. We were early for our appointment so I didn't think it was a big deal. We still had another half hour to wait and I thought I was going to have time to compose myself before our doctor showed up. No such luck. Just at the worst of it, while Chris was hugging me close, doc comes around the corner and looks very uncomfortable seeing us sitting there, crying.
Awkward....
I quickly wiped my nose and gave him a polite but embarrassed smile as we followed him into his office. What made it even more uncomfortable was the student intern who would be sitting in on this appointment listening to everything. I felt that was a bit inappropriate but what could I do? I'll admit it, I just kinda ignored her so I could save face in the moment of tears and splotchiness.
The doctor didn't mince words. He delved right in and recapped our unsuccessful attempts to date. First embryo didn't develop after unfreezing, Second embryo (Clover) was implanted in my uterus but didn't make it, and the last two frozen embryos were "non-viable" and didn't survive unfreezing either.
This means, most likely, my remaining eggs wouldn't be usable for further attempts. They are getting too old. (Chris would like me to point out the doctor didn't say the words "too old" but I know that's what he meant.) If we were to continue with IVF/ICSI again he recommended using a surrogate egg donor.
Yeah, uhm, no. No, no thank you... not gonna happen....
I looked at Chris, in that moment of silence, and I could see the "no" in his eyes, too. We'd already talked about our options and as the two of us heard the doctor talk about egg donors we just knew this was a clear "no" from God. It didn't feel right and this was not the route we were supposed to take.
We let the doctor know we'll most likely look into adoption, but it would be a four year wait until that was an option. Doc said if we needed some sort of recommendation and letter from him he was more than happy to write one for us, all we had to do was call the office and ask. All of us shook hands and we thanked him as we left the office. The finality of that meeting was so palpable.... The shock of how quickly the meeting went left us stunned. Five minutes. We travelled 1.5 hours (both ways) via public transportation for a five minute meeting.
So here we are... no child for Christmas -- again -- knowing that if we still decide to have children we'll be looking at adoption but even that option is about four years away. Why, you ask? Honestly, debt. We have debt, thanks to my annuity and all that those years struggling with all the taxes surrounding the annuity that it entailed. Now we'll be spending the next three to four years paying off debt and saving for things like the car, house and adoption. I just keep telling myself how blessed I am for what I do have...and I am.. .I'm thankful for the life I have, the life with my kind, sweet husband. I wouldn't ask for it all to be different.
I will say though, the apartment is remarkably silent... I thought we'd have a noisy house with kids by now... That silence is sometimes hard to take when I feel like a mother without a child.
Still, at church I turn away from seeing the little kids run by or the pregnant mothers with happy looking husbands. Additionally, if we travel by bus I try in vain to avoid making eye contact with the young mothers and their fully loaded buggies... All of it gets too much sometimes...
Most days I'm okay but I do have my moments I cry and miss Clover or the other embryo babies we have privately nicknamed. All the children will be remembered, even if none of them made it. I often think of Chris' mum already up in heaven, holding and nurturing our babies until we get there. Thank you Grandma Wonda...
We don't know where we will be in four years. Perhaps by then we'll decide not to have children. That's unlikely, but it is a possibility. For now, we're just leaving our options open and focusing on what we can do today to achieve the dreams of tomorrow.
The serenity prayer speaks to me often in these moments. The long version not the short:
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace... Oh, how I long for that peace of Christ! I know I'll get there one day... I'm just not there yet, Lord.
