A Mother without a Child

We had our last fertility appointment on the 21st. I wondered how I should blog about this and just haven't come up with the proper way to do it. Chris and I even recorded a vlog talking about our last appointment but... I just couldn't post it. It felt too personal, somehow.

While we sat waiting for the doctor I cried. Y'know those big, hot tears that just won't stop and makes your cheeks all red and splotchy? Yup, as Oprah would've put it, "the ugly cry." I did that. I ugly cried right there waiting for the doctor. We were early for our appointment so I didn't think it was a big deal. We still had another half hour to wait and I thought I was going to have time to compose myself before our doctor showed up. No such luck. Just at the worst of it, while Chris was hugging me close, doc comes around the corner and looks very uncomfortable seeing us sitting there, crying.

Awkward....

I quickly wiped my nose and gave him a polite but embarrassed smile as we followed him into his office. What made it even more uncomfortable was the student intern who would be sitting in on this appointment listening to everything. I felt that was a bit inappropriate but what could I do? I'll admit it, I just kinda ignored her so I could save face in the moment of tears and splotchiness.

The doctor didn't mince words. He delved right in and recapped our unsuccessful attempts to date. First embryo didn't develop after unfreezing, Second embryo (Clover) was implanted in my uterus but didn't make it, and the last two frozen embryos were "non-viable" and didn't survive unfreezing either.

This means, most likely, my remaining eggs wouldn't be usable for further attempts. They are getting too old. (Chris would like me to point out the doctor didn't say the words "too old" but I know that's what he meant.) If we were to continue with IVF/ICSI again he recommended using a surrogate egg donor.

Yeah, uhm, no. No, no thank you... not gonna happen....

I looked at Chris, in that moment of silence, and I could see the "no" in his eyes, too. We'd already talked about our options and as the two of us heard the doctor talk about egg donors we just knew this was a clear "no" from God. It didn't feel right and this was not the route we were supposed to take.

We let the doctor know we'll most likely look into adoption, but it would be a four year wait until that was an option. Doc said if we needed some sort of recommendation and letter from him he was more than happy to write one for us, all we had to do was call the office and ask. All of us shook hands and we thanked him as we left the office. The finality of that meeting was so palpable.... The shock of how quickly the meeting went left us stunned. Five minutes. We travelled 1.5 hours (both ways) via public transportation for a five minute meeting. 

So here we are... no child for Christmas -- again -- knowing that if we still decide to have children we'll be looking at adoption but even that option is about four years away. Why, you ask? Honestly, debt. We have debt, thanks to my annuity and all that those years struggling with all the taxes surrounding the annuity that it entailed. Now we'll be spending the next three to four years paying off debt and saving for things like the car, house and adoption. I just keep telling myself how blessed I am for what I do have...and I am.. .I'm thankful for the life I have, the life with my kind, sweet husband. I wouldn't ask for it all to be different.

I will say though, the apartment is remarkably silent... I thought we'd have a noisy house with kids by now... That silence is sometimes hard to take when I feel like a mother without a child.

Still, at church I turn away from seeing the little kids run by or the pregnant mothers with happy looking husbands. Additionally, if we travel by bus I try in vain to avoid making eye contact with the young mothers and their fully loaded buggies... All of it gets too much sometimes...

Most days I'm okay but I do have my moments I cry and miss Clover or the other embryo babies we have privately nicknamed. All the children will be remembered, even if none of them made it. I often think of Chris' mum already up in heaven, holding and nurturing our babies until we get there. Thank you Grandma Wonda...

We don't know where we will be in four years. Perhaps by then we'll decide not to have children. That's unlikely, but it is a possibility. For now, we're just leaving our options open and focusing on what we can do today to achieve the dreams of tomorrow.

The serenity prayer speaks to me often in these moments. The long version not the short:

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace... Oh, how I long for that peace of Christ! I know I'll get there one day... I'm just not there yet, Lord.

Unpredictable

I know what you're all wondering. "How did The Big Day go, Rosie?" Well... it wasn't what I expected, that's for sure.

At 10 a.m. yesterday we received a call from one of the doctors at the clinic saying our two little embryo babies didn't survive the unfreezing. They were " not viable for use". We will not be able to conceive a pregnancy. "This is very unusual," he said. He sounded so pained when he told me the news; sharing the hurt he knew we were feeling.

deep breath in....deep breath out....

We have a follow-up appointment with our doctor on the 21st of November where I'm sure he'll speak of what options we still have to conceive. If you remember, Chris and I have already stated this is our last try at this and we destroyed his remaining stored sperm. Of course, I'm sure some folks now would think that's a terrible idea but... it's what we felt was best.

No decisions have been made right now. We're just going to take sometime and digest this news, lean on Jesus for some strength and solace and remember that we have each other to lean on, too.

We're doing okay... honestly we really are. Chris and I knew this was a possibility and tried our best to prepare ourselves for each outcome. It's not easy, but it is life. Life is unpredictable and how you react to those moments of uncertainty and pain is really where you grow up and hopefully grow closer to each other and God.

That's where we are...and that's what we'll rest in until we know more.

The Big Day is Almost Here!

We went in for blood work and ultrasound on the 29th. I must say, everything looked "beautiful" on my ultrasound. No extra fluid hanging around in my uterus this time! Whoo-hoo!

Also the blood work came back in the afternoon and showed I wasn't pregnant! Whoo-hoo again! (That's weird to be happy I'm not pregnant just we can go ahead and become pregnant... so strange...)

We're continuing on with our Estrace pills for a few more days (2 mg pills at 3 X daily) and we have started our derriere shots again as of the 30th of September. If we are successful on with this pregnancy there are only 67 more derriere shots to go! Whoo-hoo!

Embryo Transfer is tentatively scheduled for the 4th of October. Monday morning we will be returning to the fertility clinic for one last ultrasound at 8:20 am... Chris is considering calling us a cab, depending on the weather.

We're excited for our last try at this but I think our excitement is a little more subdued this time around. We've gone through this once before and came out heartbroken after losing Clover. We know there's only an 85% change our embryo babies will survive the unfreezing phase. We could go into this last chance just to be told both embryos didn't make it and that chance to have our own children will be gone even before it starts.

Also, even if our little embryo baby(ies) survive the implantation into my uterus we could still lose them. They could fail to latch on to my uterus, I could miscarry or they could develop abnormally. Anything is possible.

We are content in whatever comes our way. Truly, we feel at peace in the knowledge that God has His hand in this. We've really stopped worrying -- even while facing all those possibilities -- and we're just living in this moment, thankful we have one last try at this...

I don't know how often we'll update you guys on this part of the journey. So many variables... and to be honest, we're feeling a little private right now about the whole thing. 

If you're willing and able, please keep us in your prayers as we pray for "sticky babies"! (We truly appreciate all the love and support people continue to show in our walk through infertility.)

When we feel comfortable, we'll update again -- promise! I can't wait until we're closer to the end of our nine months so I can start talking about the items I'll have to buy to accommodate my disability as I care for this baby (or babies!).

So many things ahead....and we're so thankful to God...!

All you need is love...

Love is all you need...

Mmmhmm...that is a myth and that's okay. I'm just being honest, folks. Trust me, Chris and I have a lot of love... we...ahem.... practise that uhm...showing of love... but no, it's not all you need for baby makin'.

Aunt Flo paid a visit yesterday and so today is my first full-flow day. Yay! Oh yes, I'm sure you all just dying to hear that tidbit of information. Tomorrow we start Estrace again. Yes, it's estrogen time again. I'll be taking half a little itty bitty purple pill twice a day for a while, then switch to a full pill and then finally the full pill will be taken three times daily. Thankfully, this time around I can take the pill orally.

We will then go in for ultrasound and blood work in the wee hours of the morning on the 29th of September. Do not expect me to be awake or even coherent. Grunts and feeble attempts at smiles will all I'll be able to offer the nurses at 7:20 am that day.

I seriously doubt our Embryo Transfer Day will still be scheduled for the 30th but we shall see. One step a time. They may increase or decrease or even just "hold steady" on my estrace dose as we proceed to add Progesterone shots to the mix... fun....!

Good news: no major side effects from the depot Lupron. I had a rash around my ankles that was non-itchy and I couldn't have gotten it any other way so I think it was weirdly from the Lupron but I can't be sure. Also, my feet swelled up (specifically the right one more than the left). I was irritable a few times but that could be my PMS before my period. Beyond that... nothing.... and I'm so thankful!

The 30 days are not up yet though, so I guess I could still experience some symptoms. We shall see...

Anyhoodle-doo... nothing more to tell at this time. Just another day truckin' along this FET (frozen embryo transfer) plan we have going on. First Lupron and now Estrace...

His Treasured Possession

Over the weekend I worked on a new bible journaling piece after being challenged by "Illustrated Faith's" Rebekah R Jones, which you can watch here: I am treasured.

What really stood out to me as she did her artwork was this idea that not only am I one of God's treasured possessions but the little girl that God has already named is also His treasured possession. God knows Ruby Grace already. He knows her intimately and she is not even here yet!

In Exodus 19:5 it says, Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine. and to me this just spoke of Ruby...... I don't know why she came to mind, or why I felt inspired to write her a letter as I did my artwork, but I'm so glad I did.

After reading the letter to Chris both of us felt a renewing of our spirits as we go into this next chapter of infertility. It was perfect timing too, as I had my depot Lupron shot yesterday which was administered in person at the fertility clinic by a nurse. I was quite worried that the shot would be painful but I barely felt it at all. After being told what side effects I may experience over the course of the next month from the shot I am even more apprehensive. Apparently, I may experience menopause like symptoms! Yay, bring on those hot flashes! (Sarcasm there... ahem...)

I know that God is with me, though, and He is aware of all of this... that gives me some strength to face this uncertain next month. I only hope I am kind to my husband. (One of the side effects of Lupron is irritability.) I tend to be short tempered with him when I'm on my monthly cycle so.... this should also prove interesting....

I'll update you all again as I experience any side effects -- but I must say I'm hoping the only update will be that there are no side effects!

Provera......is delayed....

After a series of miscommunication and misunderstanding from the Fertility Clinic staff members Provera will be delayed until August 24th.

We will be going in so they can do their vampiry thing again on the 23rd for a second time this month... I am telling you they just keep wanting more of my awesome blood!

Meh, no worries. Just a few more weeks delay before everything gets REALLY going!

Are you excited yet? Hmmm?! Well, I sure am! We'll be trying again soon enough for TWO embryos!

Eeeeeek!

Provera time again!

We went to the fertility clinic early this morning so they could get a sample of my blood. They're like hungry little vampires over there...always needing more....more I say more!

I've had a tough time the past few months with my menstural cycles. I'm barely producing a cycle... just little spots or hints of blood and then poof! It's gone for another month! Also, in June my cycle was three weeks late and that's when I thought I might be pregnant.

So... they wanted to check on things and I've asked them if I could take the Provera again to start a regular full flow cycle. We're getting closer to our September date for our last and final Egg Transfer Day and I'd rather not have a little hitch on our plans just because I'm having cycle problems.

Our doc agreed and will be placing me on Provera. Hence, the bloodwork. Results will come back this afternoon and they'll work on the date when I'll take the medication for 10 days. 

Shrugs

No idea why my body does all these crazy things!

Letter in the mail

Chris received a piece of mail from the fertility clinic yesterday. A year ago we froze his sperm in order to use it for the ICSI process. If we wanted to continue to keep his frozen sperm on file, we would have to pay $500 to do so.

We know that two of his little sperm guys are already placed inside my eggs, making those last two embryos we have frozen, waiting for us to use in September.

There is no reason to keep the rest of his sperm frozen in stasis. Chris and I have already talked about September being our last try at IVF/ICSI. If we are unsuccessful in the fall, we'll move on to looking into adoption.

Still, it was hard to check off "I decline..." on the form, sign it away and end further attempts at trying to have our own children. It was kind of a bittersweet moment, but I'm glad we did make that decision.

There's only so many times you can try before you start to feel like the merry-go-round of IVF will never stop. We have tried twice already. Our first attempt was unsuccessful with the right dose of drugs, and the second attempt...well....we lost Clover....

We are already starting to pray our attempt in September will be successful, but I will say, we are also praying about adoption.

The Lord will lead us...

In the meantime, it has become tough to see all the pregnant women and little babies at church. We've decided to take some time away from church and watch services online at home. Chris and I just need a moment to breathe without being bombarded with the knowledge we are not pregnant and we do not have children of our own.

Keep praying with us for success and know we are thankful for each one of you who have supported us along in this journey.

Thirty pregnancy tests....

I have taken about thirty pregnancy tests since Chris and I got married.... That's a lot of heart breaks to go through. It's a lot prayers and frustration and as Chris likes to point out a lot of fun trying!

I thought I might be pregnant this month since I haven't had a menstrual cycle since May. I had some subtle symptoms and it just felt like it was a possibility. We went in to get some blood drawn yesterday just to see if I was right. I was pricked NINE TIMES by the nurse drawing blood. She was in a grumpy mood and couldn't find my vein. scowls Finally, a little after noon yesterday the resident doctor gave us a call back. Nope. It was negative. soul crushing sigh

Chris' response, "You wanna go in the bedroom and try again right now?" suggestive eyebrow wiggle and cock of his head toward the bedroom

"Uhm....no." Thankfully, I know my husband well enough that he was not trying to be insensitive but instead was only hoping I'd laugh at his outrageous suggestion.

Today, I have a brighter perspective. No matter what, we will praise God. With  or without children... His will....

For all those who are trying to conceive, please know I am thinking of you today. hugs and remember, Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Lean on Him... it'll help you get through those heart breaking negative results. He knows your pain and He weeps with you.

What's happening next with IVF?

Happy Mother's Day!

Memorial of the Unborn Children by Martin Hudacek

Yes, Mother's Day is always bittersweet, but this year it's especially bitter. I was a mother. I am a mother. Clover died... but I was still his mother. He may have been with me for a matter of hours or days, but I was still his mom and Chris is still his dad.

I miss him and think of him often but I know Clover is with God and for that I am so thankful.

I stopped going to church on Mother's Day several years ago. I find it difficult. Yes, mother's day is for more than those who have conceived or adopted children and I appreciate the inclusiveness our church community puts on this day, for all the woman who are grandmothers, aunts, volunteers, and good "buddies" to all the children but it still doesn't quite ring true. No offense...just my humble opinion....

But today, today I am trying hard to stay positive and still put my trust and hope in The Lord. Chris and I did give a call to our Fertility Clinic last week and let them know we're ready to move forward and try again. We had told them "September" but they are booking for July. So...very possibly by the end of July we will be unfreezing our two embryos babies we've already named "Lucky" and "Charm" (we're sticking with the Irish theme we have going on here). We are praying both babies unfreeze and continue to multiply cells as they should so they can both be placed back in my tummy...

We shall see...

In the meantime, Chris and I are unpacking boxes at our new apartment and enjoying retirement... Oh yeah... we're retired now... chuckles It's strange to be retired at 37 but before long we'll be so busy raising children we won't even have time to work even if we wanted to!

God bless to all you mothers with children and children already with Jesus... I am praying for you ladies. Rest in the arms of Jesus today and remember to remain hopeful for tomorrow...

Somethin' to talk about

We took a day off work so we could both be present at the doctor's appointment today at the fertility clinic. Today is our "day off in lieu" since we are working Good Friday and through Easter weekend.

Today was a unsurprising chat, but still a new thought has emerged in our collective thinking. Doc has hinted that we don't necessarily have to wait for our name to come up on the waiting list, we can always go ahead and try again if we wish to pay for another ETD (Embryo Transfer Day) ourselves. This time it would cost $2,000 as prices have increased on Feb 1st. Also, he is encouraging us to consider implanting our last two embryos and not just one.

*gulps*

The thought of carrying twins is quite daunting! What if we lose both of them? What if we lost one? What if we carry both to full term?! Oh my....!

Thankfully we are in a position financially where raising the money is possible. Also, we have come to a position of financial stability where I will no longer have to work and Chris will only need to consider working for a little while longer. It's a long story.... and I can't go into it but Praise The Lord we can consider the option of twins!

Wow... twins!!!

What we told our doctor during our meeting was, "We need to pray about this." He's respecting that decision and has left it up to us to contact him when we would like to get started again, once a decision is made.

We've already begun to pray and sat together to take a look at our bible. "Trust in the Lord" keeps coming back to us, over and over again.

Chris found this passage that spoke to his heart so clearly: " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

My goal, once we leave this job, it try and lose some weight. I know that whether we decide to carry one or two embryos I will need to do my very best to be healthy. I will admit, it's not possible to concentrate on this while I'm working at my current job. Our lives revolve around our tenant's needs too much. I can't go swimming (main source of exercise). We have a hard time making healthy meals since we are interrupted almost every evening -- Chris is actually helping his second tenant of the night now with a parking pass for overnight guests and we have had the phone for only 30 minutes. 
It never ends... and I just don't have the mindset to do both. Work here, and be healthy. I'm stressed enough as it is!

One thing at a time!

Wow....twins though...can you imagine? It's something to definitely continue to pray about....

Return of the Jedi...err... I mean Aunt Flo

Well, she's back. I know, what a lovely topic to mention. sigh I've been having menstrual pains for awhile now. Sometimes they've been quite intense and other times just more of a dull roar. I look at it as good news, though. Aunt Flo's arrival means my body is still doing what it's supposed to do for the possibility to try again to have a baby.

A fellow co-worker mentioned the moon cycle that I'll have now will be a little overwhelming and heavier than usual as my body has been building up the uterine lining for the baby. Now it's time to shed that extra thick lining. Oh joy this will be fun...! I think this next week will be a tough one on my body but I'll get through it just like everything else.

A few people have begun to ask what our next step is now that we have not gotten pregnant with this Embryo Transfer on the 16th of February. All I know is I'll be meeting with our doctor on the 21st of March to discuss things once again. I do know that all the head doctors having a board meeting type thing once a week and discuss all non-successful patients. They consult each other and try and figure out what the next step should be. So, I'm sure that consultation has already happened or will happen before the 21st.

We are already on the waiting list for a our "free" chance under the new Ministry of Health law change. We were at the top of the list, first to go, but decided to pay for the first Embryo Transfer ourselves as it was cheaper but because of this decision we were bumped to the bottom of the waiting list. I get the feeling this waiting list is thousands of names long... I have no idea when we will get our next shot at this... That concerns me as I am now 37 1/2 years old and every day inching towards my 38th birthday. The cut off age to try all this is 40 and I would really like to have children closer to 37 than 40!

We are waiting on God's timing and know that there is no point in being overly worried about it. We have mourned the loss of Clover and although I think of him everyday (and yes I believe he was a little boy) we are also still hopeful that God will grant us favour in carrying a child to full term.

Chris and I are still planning for the future in other ways as well. We've had a good week, even with the sad news on Tuesday. Things are looking brighter and we are focusing on moving forward instead of looking back. We rest in God's timing and know that with every tweak of pain in my belly, right now, my body is preparing for the second chance I will have at this. This is very good news!

Seeing my nephew Max joyously open gifts at his 3rd birthday party today made me feel such joy in my own heart. Many folks with infertility issues look at children or pregnant women and feel pains of jealousy or anger. Since we have been able to try IVF and ICSI with the fertility clinic I have felt the opposite. JOY! Over and abundance joy for having the chance to try just to try. I have more hope than I ever have in my whole life that I'll be a mum one day! I refuse to feel too much jealousy and anger. I refuse to let my heart go to a negative spot and stay there, stuck, thinking "what if?" Well... what if we do have success? What if Chris has to change a million dirty diapers before our wee one is potty trained? grins Oh, what if I get to have grandchildren one day?! Those are much better thoughts to focus on.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"

Losing "Clover"

We lost the little life that was placed in my body two weeks ago. Of course we don't know when exactly it happened but I have my "mother's intuition" of when it did take place.

I remember speaking to Chris about it awhile ago; worrying over it, but Chris is just one of those guys that wants to stay positive and keep hoping. I get that... I really do. Most people say I'm pessimistic, but I see myself as a realist. The reality is when I sneezed those 8 times in a row and felt that incredibly excruciating muscle spasm course through my body, I didn't feel much after that. Something felt...missing...and I've been worrying over it ever since.

Regardless if it did happen in that moment or not, "Clover" is gone.

We are now making decisions about what to do next. Both of us feel a little numb tonight and just not ready to talk about it much with other people, but I will say for sure and certain, we have NOT given up the hope that The Lord will bless our family with children. We just were not blessed this time, that's all.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. We are working through our feelings and turning towards one another; not a way, so that's good at least. ;)

Love you guys!

Blood Work Day Tomorrow

God says not to worry, y'know, but uhm...I'm human and that just comes too easily to me. So, yup, I'm nervous about tomorrow.

I'll be going in for blood work in the morning and probably won't get a call with the test results until mid-afternoon. Tomorrow will be the longest day of my life.

What if it's positive? Holy cow we're parents!

What if it's negative? swallows hard

Breath in...breath out...

TMI to follow.......skip the rest of this post if you get queasy talking about bodily stuff. You've been warned.

Last night I had terrible constipation in the middle of the night. It was so bad my whole body was shaking and my entire stomach muscles were all seizing at the same time. I was hot and sweaty and feeling miserable, BUT not sick...just a reaction to the meds. My body is taking it hard.

I was in so much pain I thought I might faint and fall off the toilet, whacking my head against the side of the tub -- seriously! So, I called Chris in to be with me. He was so kind and just held my hand, put a cold compress on my neck and reassured me it would all be okay. We were in there a good 45 minutes, finally falling back to sleep in bed a little while later.

Then on my lunch break today I had the opposite issue. Diarrhea! Oh so much fun! I won't go into details there but suffice is to say, these drugs are really starting to hit me hard.

My butt is so sore from Chris poking me with the needles. I have some good size bruises on my butt cheeks, too. I was riding the elevator down to the office in the morning and the elevator shook a little as it came to the ground floor tossing me a back against the grab bar which just happens to be the exact height where the bruises are. Tears of pain pricked in the corners of my eyes as I was jostled against the bar and my left side bruise was badly bumped.

I have to be careful of those bruises.... They just hurt so badly! It's all worth it though...and Chris was cautious when he pricked me with this evening's shot. I love that man so much. He's gonna be a great daddy and he's already a great husband.

We have decided, no matter tomorrow's blood work results, we will praise the name of the Son of God. His will for our lives, every step of the way.  It's all about You, Jesus.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phil 4:6

Irish Luck

I took a dollar store pregnancy test at lunch today and it came out negative. Off I raced to google to see if I could find out any info and came across this information in a post:

"It can take 3-5 days for the embryo to implant and another 5 days at least for the hormones to show up on a blood test and even longer for them to be strong enough to show up on a HPT."

I guess I just have to wait until the March 1st blood test to see if it shows a strong enough test.... Oh I hate this waiting!

I will say I'm feeling some symptoms of pregnancy but they could be drug related, too. Even before Embryo Transfer Day on Tuesday I had sore nipples and boobies... I won't go into too much detail since we probably do have one or two men that read this, but it has been difficult to deal with this problem.

I will have to buy bigger sized bras and panties already. Everything is tight and uncomfortable. I didn't think I'd have to do that for months yet!

I am not feeling queasy yet, but I do feel a pretty regular "pressure" in my belly... sometimes I mistake it for having to go to the bathroom during the day. 

*sigh* I just wish we knew NOW...but Chris is believing.... Oh it's so hard....the not knowing is killing me! 

We have given the baby a nickname already until we know if it's a boy or a girl.   

Clover for Chris is Irish and we hope the luck of the Irish will be with us with God's constant blessing.

Lastly, I am actually in my third week in my first trimester, which is quite confusing for most folks. Did you know during your first week you're not actually pregnant? Yep, the first week of "pregnancy" is when you're ovulating and your body is preparing for you to have sex and make a baby. Then the magical moment happens between husband and wife! cue romantic music here During your second week the little egg becomes and embryo, as it travels down the Fallopian tube, beginning to grow cell by cell until it reaches the uterus where it finds a home attached to your side. 

So, if you think about --

Week One or so was the start of all my fancy expensive drugs.

Week Two has already happened when we removed the Eggs from my Follicles and grew the Eggs in a petri dish, allowing the Eggs to mature to a "Five Day Blastocyst" gestation. They then froze the embryos in status until ready for use.

Now, placing this already Five Day Blast embryo, "Clover" continued to grow on Day 6 (Embryo Transfer Day Tuesday) and Day 7 (Wednesday) 

Today is the first day of week three!

I do hope to start feeling symptoms soon.... 

Dear God....hear our prayer.....

Love you guys... :)

Embryo Transfer Day Feb 16 2016

Feeling some cramping and uncomfortableness this afternoon, but it's all good!



Praise The Lord!

Tomorrow is only a day away

 Tomorrow is The Big Day! It's 100% go time! I keep looking at Chris and saying, "you're going to be a dad tomorrow" and he keeps looking at me saying, "and you're going to be a mum." 

We have to believe. We have to believe in The Lord's timing for this otherwise it's all for naught. I will not bring negative thinking into this equation until I'm told that I need to. We are SO excited! Chris and I feel really blessed to be given this chance by God to just even try to have kids. Not everyone gets that chance. 

It's funny, y'know, how many people do you know who know that exact day and time their child was a little wee fetus in their mother's wombs? grin We will always have that memory together.

So, IVF will be between 11:30 to 12 noon. We need to arrive their by 10:45 and I need to drink one litre of water starting at 10:30. Yes, everything does seem to be so specific! I will be very uncomfortable with all that water sloshing around in my belly. I remember having ultrasounds years ago and being told to drink a litre of water before I came to the ultrasound clinic. Oh, how painful that was! I am not looking forward to that part tomorrow.

A good church friend and prayer partner will be driving us there and back. It's wonderful have extended family through the church like we do... I can't wait to have a chance to give back like that one day to someone else...

My best friend Lana, aka Auntie Lana, is so excited she doesn't even know if she'll be able to concentrate at work tomorrow. I think she's quite possibly even more excited than Chris and me combined.

Chris and I have taken the day off tomorrow for the procedure. (Vacation day!) I will need to rest in the afternoon after the little wee one is placed in my uterus and for the next 17 days we will be praying that it "sticks"! 

Seventeen days to wait and find out if I really and truly am pregnant. Those will be the longest seventeen days of my life! Ah well.... I'll just have to stay busy without over doing it... 

Well, that's all the rambling I have for tonight... I'm so scattered in my thoughts I can't really sound philosophical tonight. All weekend I've been grinning like an idiot as I danced away one Cloud Nine... snort I think it'll be awhile before my feet touch solid ground again.

Chris and I love you guys and we're very thankful you all are celebrating each and every step in this journey with us. Pray...pray for the little wee one, would you? ..........We're going to be parents tomorrow! Eeek!

Trust in The Lord...

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with a fellow co-worker whom I have mentioned before who has also gone through infertility at the same clinic Chris & I are using for our baby making. I relayed my angst and frustration at our Monday morning appointment's findings. It was so frustrating to hear there was fluid in my uterus and seeing the doctor's look of complete confusion  as to what to do next.

She said I should call the clinic and tell our doctor about our feelings. Ask for a "plan of action" for Friday if there is still fluid in my uterus. She was right... I did have a voice in all of this and I do need to become "my best advocate" as her words stated to me.

After leaving a message for our doc yesterday afternoon, he called me back this morning. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk with him very long because I just happened to be at the hospital for another appointment today about entirely different matter. Still, the doctor did give us some food for thought...

They really don't know why there is fluid in my uterus. They believe that there is some serious correlation to to taking large doses of estrogen. He did state that lately they have seen more and more patients come in for their ultrasounds only to discover fluid in the "sac". Typically they wouldn't like to proceed with such a thing as this, but its fairly unknown how this will affect our fetus.

He did mention that one of the other doctors at the clinic had a patient come in on the 7th who also had "a large quantity of fluid in her sac" she decided to proceed with Progesterone  IM (inter-muscular injection shots) which meant she was agreeing to go forth with our next step of Embryo Transfer Day. She had just come back into the clinic today and her sac now shows a much more reduced amount of fluid. (Good news!)

So, now we're at a decision we will have to make. Do we scratch this round because of the fluid issue, or do we say "go for it!" and proceed with IM shots, potentially taking a risk at the results which could affect our lives and the lives of another human being in my belly.

If we wait, we may never get a chance. This could be a continued problem for me. They've already found fluid in my uterus on two separate occasions. (Once before estrogen pills commenced and once this past week.) If we never get this chance then we will have to wait for adoption or foster care as another option to raise our children.

There were two thoughts that came to mind when I began to pray on this subject as we rode the bus home from our hospital appointment. First, I prayed and immediately this verse in Proverbs came to mind:

New bible from my husband for our 2 year anniversary of the date we met.

Chris and I do not want to make a decision based on our feelings. Yes, we want children but our ultimate goal in life is to trust The Lord our God completely with our very life, our every thought and our every action. Good or bad that comes our way we will praise His name. 

We don't want to jump just because it's our greatest desire to have kids (and we want them in our lives NOW) but we also don't want to hesitate out of fear about all the "what ifs". 

Second, we don't know if there are other women, not going through IVF, who may very well in fact have fluid in their uterus and are able to carry babies to term without any problems whatsoever. Our lives, or rather my uterus is so closely monitored almost on a daily basis because of infertility but what about all those other mums out there who conceive without any issue. I'm sure at least some of them have fluid in the sac because of greater (but natural) estrogen levels. 

Our doctor is going to give me another call later today. The second call will be where we decide if we're proceeding with IM injections or not... Not that there's any pressure or anything...chuckles

Chris and I have gone through a lot in our lives within our medical backgrounds. We've both had medical issues from childhood and although the idea of proceeding into uncharted territory is a little risky and scary, it's doesn't paralyse us with fear. Growing up, my mother taught me to keep trying and moving forward even if you're scared out of your mind. You will get through this because this too shall pass.

I can remember being in a complete panic attack at the notion of moving from the bunny hill to the intermediate hill downhill skiing at Edelweiss. Alone, my mum went off the the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror and said, "You can do this, Joanie. You have to do this for her (Rosie)." She stepped out of the bathroom and told me we were going up the intermediate slope. At the age of 10, I threw the biggest hissy fit any child ever has. I looked like a two-year stubborn toddler in desperate need of a nap as she dragged me screaming at the top of my lungs to the ski slope, lifted me onto the chair lift and listened to me scream and cry the entire ride up the mountain. When we got up to the mountain with our ski volunteer trailing behind us, my mum gave me a no-nonsense push and encouraged me to ski down that mountain.

I did it, y'know, and I love it. I was proud of myself and the first words out of my mouth when I saw mum waiting for me to catch up to her at the bottom of the mountain were, "Let's do that again!" 

This is one of those times. This is one of those times to feel the fear and do it anyway. I'm trusting in The Lord. I am not leaning on my own understanding (which is "I don't know what will happen). 

God has told me, clear as a bell, that I am going to have children that will know Him. That's all I need to know. deep scary breath

We hope and pray that come Friday morning's ultrasound there will not be any fluid in my uterus any longer but if there is Chris and I are in this together.....and God is with us.

"Rubber Butt" the suitcase said...

Chris' inter-muscular injection education was way more interesting than I expected it to be. I'm glad I went with him since I have always been the one to prepare most of the syringes for our fertility drugs.

Today's nurse had a dummy with her. Well...technically just a quarter of a dummy. She pulled out this heavy blue suitcase that had "Rubber Butt" label on it. I thought of Shana and all the jokes she would've most likely said right about now if she had been with me.

I looked at the nurse with a curious you've-got-to-be-kidding-me expression on my face. She was deadpan in response.

It was a rubber butt...literally.... I mean I thought maybe it was her nickname or something "Hey, Rubber Butt come check this chart out! This patient's bio is a hoot!" but no... just a butt...inside a blue suitcase...

The butt had blue and black marker lines on the right cheek. There was a cross like blue mark sectioning off four cheek quadrants and in the top right square a round black "target" area was circled. She began to explain it was imperative Chris use this target area on both cheeks when injections were done. Our goal was to avoid the muscle nerve running through the middle of our cheeks.

Very similar to today's rubber butt

Thankfully, we came home with detailed butt injection instructions, but we won't start with these injections until the results from Friday's ultrasound come back "clean" of fluid.

I did voice our frustration about this morning's ultrasound result. Our afternoon nurse seemed to be unfazed by the fluid and stated "that's something that does happen sometimes." with a little shrug of her shoulders. I'm hoping she wasn't trying to just set us at ease and it really and truly is "no big deal".

I guess we will see.... Not much we can do about it until Friday. Thankfully, I think this week we'll be a busy work week. We have enough going on here to keep us distracted the majority of the time.

We are still feeling frustrated and numb but we've decided to keep praying through this difficult time. It's hard to know what to pray for exactly, but we just keep repeating, "Your will, Lord" and our hope is that His will, will be the children our hearts already long for.

G'night all...love you...!

Frustration and Numbness

Pure frustration. That's what I'm feeling. Chris is feeling numb. You just get to a point where bad news just doesn't even penetrate anymore. I don't think I've ever wanted to swear at a doctor so much than I have today -- and that's saying something because I've seen A LOT of doctors in my lifetime with all my medical issues.

Today's ultrasound showed more fluid in my uterus. Yup, go ahead and say it. I have said it too. Dangnabit is the nice way to put it!

What does this mean? We don't even really know. When we were done with the blood work and ultrasound, we were ushered into one of the little consultation rooms where we sat and sat and sat waiting for our doctor. I told Chris he was probably looking at my ultrasound now and seeing the fluid that I could very visibly see when my exam was going on. I knew he was going to see fluid again. I just seem to have really crappy luck with all this...

Doc came in and talked about the fact that some people with blocked Fallopian tubes do have fluid in their uterus. Most people that have this issue have blockages further up the Fallopian tubes but because my blockage is right at the "shoulder" of the tubes this can't be the reason for the fluid. Then, doc just looked at me, stumped, unable to figure out what to say next. It's quite obvious to Chris and I that they don't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it.

When I look at "fluid in the uterus" in google lots of things about "cancer" come up, but that has been ruled out, several times now. What else could it be? We can't proceed until the fluid is gone.

I am to go in again on Friday @ 7:20 am for another ultrasound. He's hoping to fluid will be gone by then.

In the meantime, we are going back to the fertility clinic for our afternoon appointment at 1:45 today so Chris can have his "inter muscular injection education" and we've also been instructed to continue to take 2 mg of estrogen 3 times per day until Friday.

I'm so sick of these little estrogen pills........after awhile it gets a bit painful putting them inside of me over and over again....sigh....

We are not giving up.......but I'm hoping all of you good friends and family will allow us to lean on you right now. We're feeling pretty beat up and defeated. *Sniffle* I admit I'm near tears as I type this.

I love you guys......:)

How well do you know your spouse?

Chris & I taking a break from IVF vlogging and having a silly afternoon together on Thurs Jan 28th. 

Update JAN 23 2016

Are you her mother?

My chauffeur and sisterly support today was played by the part of my good friend, Shana.

Shana and I had a good chat as we waited for my turn to go in for my saline ultrasound test. I had asked her to come back into the exam room with me so if I needed a hand to hold she would be there. Shana was sweet enough to be totally fine with that...

So off we go, when our turn was called up, I strip down to my birthday suit for the lower half of my body, wrap myself in there yellow-y-orange sheet that is always way too small for my ample behind and stomach.

Now, let me just clarify something at this point in the retelling of today's events. I.am.short. I am very short. I can't even reach the second shelf in our cupboards without straining on my tippy toes to reach the glasses up there. (Generally I just grab the hot dog tongs when I need something from the upper shelves instead of grabbing a stool, but that's a post for another day. I digress!)

So here I walk into the examination room, wrapped in this itty bitty sheet thing that is longer than it is wider and the nurse of the day has the exam table as high as my boobs. I mean...how am I supposed to hop on up there?

I don't hop well, people! It's awkward and makes me really uncomfortable when I have to "hop on up." I actually get more tense and more self-conscious which makes the awkwardness ten times worse.

I asked the nurse to lower the bed, which she reluctantly obliges to do. I swear there was something wrong with the bed. It kept making these grinding noises and jerky motions as she lowered it and raised it a few times. I had to bite my tongue to not ask for my regular nurses that know me well and always have the bed lowered upon my arrival.

"Lord," I prayed silently to myself, "this is that 'patience' thing you talked about during devotionals in bed this morning, isn't it? Mmm-hmmm....patience..." I sighed inwardly as the nurse said, "Now make sure the opening is at the back when you lie down."

I doubly bit my tongue then. I had a few sarcastic remarks running through my head as her "newness" or lack of perception just seemed to continue to ooze out.

I did hop on that bed. Okay, maybe hop is a strong word. I ungracefully wriggled on up there, trying my best not to show either woman my nether regions. I was unsuccessful in my attempt, but I will say I did warn Shana of this possibility so she can't hold that against me, I think.

Chris and I remembered to bring my slippers......which the nurse promptly told me I had to take off... (Why? They weren't in the way at all!) Shana was kind enough to remove them from my feet as I slipped my heels into the stirrups as best I could.

Next came the famous skooching down so my behind was practically over the edge of the table and finally with great relief I was in position and covered up modestly.

Doc came in and shook my hand....okay....that's awkward.... I think he must have asked me at least half a dozen times throughout the set-up and exam itself "How are you doing?" I really was okay.... I mean, I've done this before.... It's not a huge deal...

The worst part was putting in the speculum. It was very dry and cold.... shudders I squeezed Shana's hand during that point and kept thinking, "OW!" I mean, couldn't they have...moistened it somehow so it slid in nicely??

In went the saline and lo' and behold my beautiful uterus was up on screen for all of us to see! There was a "mass" in the middle of the uterus, but upon further examination the doctor noted it could be broken up easily which meant it was likely a clot from my period cycle currently ongoing. Now that's just a pleasant thought..... ugh!

The exam didn't last long, and before I knew it, it was over and we were told we had to wait 10 minutes in the waiting area after I got dressed before we could go and speak to my own doctor about the results.

That's when I found out what the nurse had said to Shana. while I had been stripping down for the exam! Well, let me tell you, I couldn't believe it when she told me! Apparently she had asked Shana if she was my mother! Ha!!!!!! I was mortified for Shana when she relayed the conversation to me. She is not much older than me and she sure doesn't look it!

Thankfully Shana has a great sense of humor and took the comment well. We had a good giggle about it... okay, okay...and good snort and giggle about it.... Oh all right! I snorted several times during the giggling! Are you happy now? I told the complete truth! deep heavy sigh

After the giggle fest we went upstairs to see the doctor and had a good chat with my favorite pharmacist while we waited. She's just the sweetest woman in the whole world and she brightens my day whenever I see her at the clinic.

Doctor came and fetched us and we headed into his office for a quick chat, which was pretty much stating the same information the exam doctor had. "Everything looks great. There was a blood clot which is no big deal. Continue with the estrace medication and we'll see you on Feb 8th again."

Okay.... great.... Nothing new there....

Praise God though....praise God that we don't have to worry about cancer in my uterus and praise The Lord for Shana's kindness in coming with me today. All those, giggles we had today, Shana, I'll never forget. :)

Thanks mom. *giggle....snort*

Mix-Up

There was a mix-up. I don't know if I screwed up or it was the doctor....Perhaps it was both of us!

Anyway, the ultrasound took place BUT it was the wrong kind of ultrasound. I am supposed to have another water test ultrasound done. Y'know the one where they tested out my Fallopian tubes to see if there were any blockages with the saline water? Well, they're doing that kinda test again but this time, to check out the uterine lining.... We're still confused because this test is supposed to tell us if I have fluid in my uterus.... scowls.... This makes no sense.....

I will say the incorrect ultrasound today -- the "normal" type of ultrasound -- showed no fluid in my uterus but I guess they want a more extensive ultrasound done on Thursday. So, I'm going back on the 21st @ 1:30 pm for that....

I'm getting kinda stressed. Our boss yelled at Chris today... She said something about "You're taking a lot of time off for IVF, and I'm happy you're doing it, but you need to step it up in the building." There was yelling and ranting after that... Honestly Chris does A LOT in this building. More than most superintendents. She threatened to come by on weekends to make sure he's doing his job properly. shakes head As for IVF Chris has only taken 4 days or half days off. Mostly half days... She is stressed and ranting because her bosses are showing up this week, but that's unprofessional of her to take her stress out on my husband. Chris just kept his mouth shut and let her rant, but the first words he said to me when he got back to my office were, "We're quitting today."

With all this going on, I'm getting more stressed myself... I was about ready to cry today when they told us that I had to come back on Thursday in the middle of the day for another ultrasound. I always have to work doubly hard when I return to the office and catch up for the rest of the day. There is no one to take over my position regularly. I am the only woman that runs the office and building. When I'm not there something always goes haywire! (It's not that I think I'm the only one that can do this job, it's just that I am the only woman that is doing this job. Normally there are two full superintendent couples to run a building this size. We have 2.5 people...we're short another woman to take my place. I'm doing the job of two people.)

Furthermore, I am now taking a new drug called "Estrace" which is estrogen. Estrace will start out in small doses twice a day for several days and increase to three times a day with double the dose.... When we increase it I go from an oral pill to a vaginal pill.  shudders Ick....

Great, now I'm going to be extra weepy, wishy-washy and down right crabby for the next month. I don't know if our marriage will survive that!

Then on February 8th we return to the clinic at some awful hour in the morning, almost before any crow of a rooster, to take a blood test and another normal ultrasound to check out my uterine lining. (They want to see it plump up in size from the estrogen pills). If all is good, we then return to the office again the afternoon (same day) so Chris gets his "education" for an inter muscular needle drug... (We thought his education would be today)

We will have to take Feb 8th off completely to accommodate both appointments as I need to be there for the afternoon education appointment so that Chris can administer the first shot of this drug on that same day. I know that our boss won't like we will be taking off a WHOLE DAY for the two of us on this day..... It's so stressful being worried about all this on top of the IVF/ICSI process itself....

I'm rambling, I know.... but.... I don't know what else to do.... near tears and feeling overwhelmed.... Even just hearing she yelled at Chris about all of this just hurts my heart for him/us....

Praying....

Update: A wonderful church friend is driving me and staying with me for my appointment on Thursday! Chris was worried I'd be at my saline/water test ultrasound alone. It'll be a more painful ultrasound...he worries y'know.... Anyway, thank you dear sister in Christ. You are wonderful! 

Ultrasound Scheduled!

Hey all!

The Fertility Clinic called this morning and scheduled my ultrasound for 9 am tomorrow. The morning receptionist was confused and thought she was scheduling my Embryo Transfer Day. She asked me lots of questions, wondering "Has your husband had his training on how to give you your UMI shots?" (I think she said "UMI"....Hmmm...")

"Uhm....no...." I said, "We've done all the other shots up until now just fine.... What shots are you talking about? You mean estrogen shots?"

I finally had to clarify with her that we were not scheduling the Embryo Transfer Day yet, we had to check out my uterus for fluid first. She said she didn't see that anywhere in my notes but said, "I believe you." That made me laugh!

It's funny because this afternoon the clinic called me again and the receptionist this second time was just as confused as the first. He said "there aren't any notes on your files other than your doctors notes." I'm guessing the 6 other nurses/receptionist I've been talking with in every call they make are not making the necessary notes and that's why I'm having to explain things to everyone over and over again.

The second receptionist wanted to verify we would be making our Embryo Transfer payment tomorrow. So we are spending $1,600 tomorrow! FUN! rolls eyes

We will most likely have to pick up the drugs for the shots the first nurse was talking about and have an education session for Chris. So, my hubby is coming with me tomorrow morning. I'm thrilled about that!

I'm quite nervous about the fluid thingy.... what happens if they do find fluid? How much more will that delay us? Will they take a sample of fluid to determine what the fluid is? Hmm....questions, questions, questions!

Ah well, pray for us if you get a chance! Still so exciting!

She's here!

Aunt Flo has arrived!

Yes, that needed announcing.

I've been waiting for her all week!

I called the Fertility Clinic and left a message for them so we can schedule my ultrasound.

One last check on the uterus before it's GO TIME!

Eeeek!

bounces off with excited happiness

I'm late for a very important date!

Quite literally I am late. It's been two days and no cycle! I can tell my cycle is on its way as I went through about a hundred different emotions today.

Chris woke me up and rubbed my back. I told him I didn't want to get out of bed and deal with tenants.... They're like children! "I want, I want, I want!" or "I need, I need, I need!" I constantly hear, "Rosie, you know I don't want to be a bother but...." or "Rosie, you really should have one of the boys do _______"

I'd say about 75 people on average come see me in a given day. 98% see me because they want or need something. I really enjoy just a "hello good to see you!" but that rarely takes place...

*sigh* So, I digress! There I lay in bed feeling awfully sorry for myself and very, very grouchy. I stomped into the washroom to get ready for the day and wouldn't let Chris kiss me. I was miserable and wanted to feel miserable.

By 10 am this morning I was giggling like a 9 year old over silly things our co-worker was saying... such a change in emotion!

By noon, I was fed-up, tired and wanted a nap.

Then at 3 o'clock I was resigned to the knowledge that I was everyone's "go to" person for their every whim and need. I had to multi-task and get 10 different things done in the next half-hour or the world at our building wouldn't ever right itself...

However, by five o'clock I was too tired to care and wanted my cat and blankey, feeling about 5 years old and ready for a good "zoning out time" for a half hour in front of the telly.

Yes.....a million emotions in one day.... yup the period is coming! I hope it shows up soon.....

One Problem Solved.......Only 109 more to go!

I've been trying to figure out a solution for carrying the baby up and down the stairs. This has been a problem that's been rattling around in my brain for many, many months.

I was so overwhelmed by the issue that I almost gave up on the idea of Chris and I renting a house and felt we may have to stick to renting an apartment for the first two years of our children's lives just because of this one teeny, tiny issue.

Well, what if we had more than one child? What if we have three or four children, as we do have four frozen embryos. I really didn't want to have to be cramped living in an apartment if we didn't have to. I wanted to have a house...a yard, perhaps a playground near by...

Yesterday, we went to look at a townhouse for rent. These townhouses are very different than most town homes as they look like low level apartment buildings from the outside. You have to walk into the building, to reach each individual town homes' door. This REALLY appeals to me.

One of my concerns from moving from an apartment to a house was our cat. I was afraid he might try and scoot outside once he saw the front door opened to the outside world. Mycah is not a runner, but he does get curious sometimes when the front of our apartment door is open. I know I wouldn't be able to chase after the cat with a baby and I can't stand the idea of Mycah being unsafe in the world outside, lost without us...

Another great feature about this style of townhouse as opposed to a traditional townhouse is the front entrance way isn't an issue. Most homes have 2 to 4 steps (on average) to walk up before reaching the front door. That's not something I can do with a stroller or a cart full of groceries or even on a wintry icy day. There was only one small step to reach the front hallway door of the townhouse and there was no steps inside at each person's front door as its designed like an apartment front door with just a simple threshold to step over.

But... the stairs issue was still bothering me.... how was I going to solve carrying the wee one up and down the stairs when Chris wasn't home during the day?

For most people, this isn't much of an issue. They have enough balance to hold the baby in one arm and use the banister with the other hand. However, I don't have that luxury. Thankfully one of the one requirements about the structure of the stairs was met. I can not walk up stairs that have that grand curve the fancy stairs. Y'know the kind I mean.... The ones that look like this?

Now, this staircase frightens me! It's open and I can see over the side, giving me a sense that I could lose my balance easily. The curve of the staircase means I have to think about where I'm placing my foot on each step as I balance more awkwardly to accommodate the curve of the stairs and finally the stairs are wide enough that I probably can't touch the wall as I'm holding onto the banister, so I would only have one hand on the banister for balancing as opposed to two.

I work best with straight stairs, preferably carpeted where there's a landing after 4 to 6 stairs so I don't get overwhelmed when I look down at the stairs. Sometimes, seeing the length of the stairs completely overtakes my panic and I stop dead in my tracks, rigid and afraid to move because I could fall a long way to the bottom.

I know it's completely irrational. I have only fallen down the stairs twice in my life. I tend to fall up the stairs more often than down, as I trip on the next step, not placing my foot high enough to avoid catching the lip of the step in front of me.

It's silly to be this detailed about the requirements of the stairs in our home...but it's something I don't have a choice about. I am disabled and I do require certain details about a home to be considered and typically these are things most people wouldn't even think about.

So, getting back to the stairs in this townhouse we looked at. The stairs met all of my requirements but one. They weren't carpeted. (I could slip more easily on non-carpeted stairs) That's not a big deal...with non-carpeted stairs I just wear slippers. Heck, I usually wear slippers all the time anyhow as our apartment is non-carpeted and I don't want to slip just walking around here, too.

The stairs had a landing going up to the bedrooms and also down to the unfinished basement. I could touch the wall quite easily while hanging onto the banister and I felt safe and comfortable while walking on them. I was thrilled. But still... the question kept looming over me. How was I going to carry the baby up and down these stairs when Chris wasn't here?

This morning I think I've come up with an answer. Baby sling/carrier. I know! Such a simple solution, right? Why didn't I think of it before?

This is completely possible...

Now...I guess you're all wondering what's going to happen to our job and all that, since we're supers and must live on site to work here? Yeah... well...that's details for another day. One thing at a time. The baby carrier dilemma is solved. 

............Now to just get pregnant and give birth n' all that....chuckles...(By the way, I should be starting my cycle this week and then calling the doc's office to set up an ultrasound appointment to check out my uterus one last time before The Embryo Transfer Day is scheduled. Whoo-hoo!)