I've been struggling since then with understanding God's plan for our lives. Bible reading and prayer haven't revealed any insight but instead just more....questions and confusion.
I've read some of the old testament stories of women who struggled to conceive a child and seeing the word "barren" written to starkly within the white pages of my bible was a shock. Yes, I guess that is true. I am barren. I never thought about it that way before. "Infertile" seems such a nice way to put it, but "barren" appeared to unmask the reality of the truth. My womb is barren and always will be.
I think what's hardest to take, when reading the bible stories of our ancestors, is the knowledge that eventually they did conceive. If I remember correctly, Sarah conceived Isaac after 25 years of trying with her husband Abraham and Isaac's wife Rebekah conceive a child 20 years after they married after which they had twin boys, Esau and Joseph.
That won't be the case for Christopher and I. We won't be able to conceive after two decades of trying to make a baby. So, what does that mean for us? I'm still 100% sure The Lord whispered the name "Ruby Grace" to me in 2007, long before I met Chris, and while the majority of people will be thinking "you can adopt" as you read this, remember adoption is expensive and there is no guarantee of a child during that process either. Also, many adoptions fail and each child comes with a unique set of complications that can seem daunting when Chris & I think about it too much.
Our lives are a little more out of balance then most at our age. Most people have a car and house by our age. We have neither and yes, we do still want those things -- especially the car -- but it'll take us years to save the $35,000 needed to adopt after we have saved for a car and the rest of the down payment for a house. (We already have $36,000 in my RRSP we can use towards a house.)
Furthermore, if by the time we are ready to go ahead with plans for adoption we will be 43 and 46 years old, respectively. Furthermore, in my research about this subject most people then have to wait several years before they are able to hold their child in their arms -- if they are successful in adoption at all.
Conclusion, we're going to be old. Very old...
There are days when we talk about what life will be like if we don't have kids. Chris talks about taking a few trips and I talk about where we will live. (That's still up in the air too as we have so many options to choose from.) Chris plans to volunteer more within our church. He's especially interested in the men's groups and is willing to lend a hand wherever that's needed.
My arms still long for Ruby. She is not forgotten, but I don't know why God gave me her name if I'm not meant to have her. I'm very confused and I still feel like I've been hit with a semi-truck even four months after that sit-down appointment.
No concrete answers yet.... just confusion and a lot of talking and prayer. My prayers are sprinkled with tears that are sometimes shed or other times still hang almost ready to fall from my eyelids but never quite do. It's not easy to live with a barren womb. It's not easy for Chris to live with infertility in his body either. We cling to our faith that eventually we'll understand the reason for all of this pain and loss. Someday...
