Gut Punch

Well, I didn't see that one coming.... About once a week I give the Fertility Clinic a call to see if Chris' CF test results are in. I called on Wednesday and left a message, but my cell phone started acting up in the afternoon, during the company BBQ, so I called again on Thursday and left another message.

My phone rang on Friday, just at the end of our lunch hour, and it was our doc. Doc says Chris' CF results are back..... Chris is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. So this means we may have a 25% chance of having a child with CF.... to determine whether that's the case I need to be tested too. If I'm not a carrier then we don't need to be worried about Chris' carrier gene.

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I wasn't upset with the test results, I was upset by how long it will be until we get my results back now. Since Chris shows he is a carrier, they now want to test me. That will take another 3 to 4 months to receive those results. We do not have that kind of time, if the law giving us three chances to perform IVF on OHIPs dime in supposed to be changing by the end of the year in 2015.

As it is now, my test results will come back about October.... That might give us one chance at IVF.

Tears weld up in my eyes and I told the doctor how frustrating this news was to hear because of the time frame we were looking at. I could hear the sympathy in his voice. The doc wanted me to come in as soon as possible to get the blood work done and even asked if I could come in that day. Unfortunately I couldn't. (My job is demanding) but I do plan on going in on Monday.

Our doctor asked us for my email address to send the requisition to us and then I could get it done at a blood lab closer to home, but I still haven't received that email so the doc must have gotten the email address wrong, somehow... yes, I did check my junk mail folder, people. ;)

I'll have to go to the Fertility Clinic on Monday, since I didn't get the email to go elsewhere, which we be an expensive cab ride there and back but... it is what it is...I can't wait another day... This has to get done quickly!

After hanging up the phone, Chris and I were both shaken to the core by the news. We sat there in silence for a moment, holding hands and saying our own wordless prayer.

I called a good friend, but had to leave a message on her voicemail to call me back. Still I needed to talk to someone, immediately.

Two days before, on our company BBQ day, a fellow co-worker from Head Office gave Chris and I a ride. Katie (name changed) and I chatted in the car and Chris and I told her the news about trying to have a baby through IVF and ICSI with the Fertility Clinic. Well... it turns out Katie, was a patient at the Fertility Clinic many moons ago. Her doctor was the doc that performed my salt-water ultrasound where they discovered I had funky Fallopian tubes! Small world!

Katie's daughter is an IVF baby. :) Well, we bonded over that information instantly. Katie is one of my favorite people in the company Chris and I work for. Now though, we feel connected just a little more...

After leaving the message with my friend, whom I couldn't get a hold of, I went to see Katie. I needed to talk to a woman, someone who could understand what I was feeling. Thankfully Katie was just coming back to the office from her own lunch hour so we slipped into an empty office to chat. Oh how we shed some tears and hugged! It was wonderful to have another person who's gone through some of the same processes I'm going through sit and listen to me.

She's a good friend... a good listener...and an excellent confidante. I'm ever so grateful to God for Katie.

With Katie's support, and my friend who called me back later in the afternoon who listened and prayed, my mother and sister, and also my very best friend, by the end of the day, after speaking to so many strong and courageous woman, I felt just a little less rattled.

I'm still hurt.........this sets this process back another four months or so before we can get started, but as my sister and best friend pointed out, just because the law is set to change by the end of 2015, doesn't mean it will. Laws get delayed all the time -- especially if they haven't dotted all their I's and crossed all their T's. I feel so guilty about praying for time, more time until the law changes.

I've cried a few more times today, but I will not give up hope until God tells me to. I will not surrender to the gut punch that took me down yesterday afternoon. I will not lie down and stay down, for that's what the devil wants. This is God's plan. His decision and as long as I have Christ by my side there is always hope.

This might have started out with a big blow to my stomach, taking my breath away and deflating all the hope in me, but a little tiny prayer, made me gasp for breath and fill my lungs again to praise Him in this storm. This fight is not over. This is just another hurdle to climb and boy am I used to climbing over hurdles in my life!

Silent prayers

Our pool, isn't it lovely?

Most mornings I wake up, stumble into the bathroom to change into my bathing suit and head down to the pool. Honestly, I abhor getting up before I have to start my work day but once I am downstairs and see the glorious pool, still and inviting me in, I can't resist. 

That first dip....oh how sweet it is...! Thankfully it's kept at a really nice temperature and regardless of the season, after just a few laps I'm quite warm and comfortable. 

Most days I put in a 100 laps but there are some days I'm only able to do 50 laps. Our work schedule is demanding and even "after hours" we're truly not done our work day since we are superintendents. 

I do what I can, when I can... but still the weight is not coming off as I would like. I have lost about 10 to 12 pounds, depending on the day, but can't seem to dip under the 170 lb mark. GRRRR!

Everyday I trust in the Lord is another day of success, but I do have my moments of feeling awfully frustrated!

My husband has not received his Cystic Fibrosis testing back yet, but we have received one test back. The secretary's email we received yesterday said this, "genetic tests - the Y Chromosome Microdeletion test came back and it is normal." 

I have no idea what a microdeletion test is nor do we know it was being performed! :) As it turns out -- thanks to Wikipedia -- it has something to do with Chris' low sperm count.... yay for being normal...?

Still though...the CF testing.......everyday we don't get the result back means another day closer to the law changing to eliminate our possibility of three chances with IVF through OHIP.... This waiting...hoping and more waiting is driving me crazy. I want action. I want to be doing something.......but all I can do is swim, pray and wait patiently. 

*stifles a scream* I don't do very well with waiting patiently. Chris will tell you I'm an action girl. I expect things done in a timely, logical manner. I expect this at work (as he is my co-worker) and I expect it in our personal life too........of course.........I obviously do not control whoever doles out the test results at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. 

We are just a number, an email request they received daily from a doctor amongst many request for test results. The hospital has no idea how time sensitive these results are to our possibilities of children, nor do they care. 

Thankfully God cares..............I pray often, daily.......several times a day, as a matter of fact....when I swim, when I eat, when I breathe......

I am so glad for our very busy and demanding job to distract both of us. There is always something needing our attention, so I just give my attention to that demand and need of another person as much as I possibly can...

God hears my silent, wordless prayers.... 

Results the day after my 37th birthday

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." 

Corrie Ten Boom

Our fertility doctor calls us today with the results of my biopsy and Chris' sperm unfreezing "test".

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Hmmm......

Well the good news is Chris' last sample of sperm was more successful, as I mentioned in my last blog post. He was able to donate 4 units which was 2.4 million sperm! There were 80,000 live sperm in just one unit to choose from. The remaining three units of frozen sperm can be utilised for the IVF cycles once we get started. 

I will say, Chris puffed out his chest a little when he heard that news on speaker phone. I think men still have that stigma in our society that they need to be show their manliness by how many offspring they can produce -- or potentially produce in this case. 

Chris is a good man and I'm thrilled we will be able to have good match making sperm to choose from on The Big Day. 

Now for the bad news.........It's not terrible news but it is something to be aware of and take action on after baby making is done.

My lovely uterus is not shedding its uterine lining appropriately and in turn this means estrogen is building up in my system. The doctor was perplexed by this because I did have a Mirena IUD for 4.5 years which should have correctly solved any...estrogen issue I could possibly have had. (I didn't even know I had an estrogen build up potential problem.)

What this boils down to is my cells are normal. NO potential cancer! PRAISE JESUS!!! But there is a greater possibility of cancer growth when I'm in my 60s or 70s. How we will combat this potential problem? I will start taking a new medication 10 days a month which should "release" some of the estrogen. Also, after pregnancy I'll go back to using a Mirena IUD or perhaps get a hysterectomy. 

I'm troubled by the news... it puts some fear in my thoughts. Chris and I prayed after disconnecting with the doctor and feeling a little overwhelmed by everything. Still though... I need to feel The Lord's arms around me. I feel a little unsteady on my feet in this moment....

Thank God... thank God for the right testing to find out this information now, when we know what preventative steps we can take in our future. Thank you Jesus for this knowledge. Knowledge is power...

Luke 10: 41-42 "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." 

In the coming days, I'll be soaking up the Lord's words... I'm needing to sit at His feet while I take in this news.

Weight Loss Continues

Whoo hoo! Twelve pounds lost thus far! *little happy dance* 

I know! It is amazing! 

Thanks you Jesus!

And how am I doing this you ask? Think of Dory from "Finding Nemo". Yep, you got it. "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

I'm doing 100 laps almost everyday. Occasionally work interferes with my swimming time but I try hard to stay consistent and get back in the pool as quick as I can.

Thankfully our apartment building has an indoor pool. It's kept at a lovely temperature and although it's usually regularly by all of our tenants I wouldn't say it's overly busy. Most of the time, I try and swim before I start my work day. 

I'm up at 5:30 am and spend an hour in the pool. Sometimes, I'll finish my laps in the evening, after work. Wherever I can fit in the time, I'll jump back in the pool and to be honest, if I'm away from the pool for too long I start to get antsy and miss it. 

I use the time in the pool as wisely as I can. As I swim freestyle (front crawl) I'll pray for all the family and friends that come to mind. Also I do a lot of visualising. I visualise how it'll feel to fit back into clothing I've hung onto for many years, stuffed at the back of my closet just waiting to be worn again. I visualise playing with our children on the floor with ease, able to get up and down from the carpet without any difficulty or huffing and puffing.

I think about how much strong my body is getting everyday. When I first started swimming, I could barely get through 20 laps without feeling exhausted. My strokes were sloppy and all over the place. There wasn't a rhythm to my attempt at co-ordination or breathing. I kept trying though, going back day after day. 

Now I don't care who else in the pool. Although I'm polite to all of our tenants, the "regular" swimmers know I'm there on my own time and I have a goal in mind; 100 laps for that day. My strokes are smooth and powerful now. I take less time between laps to rest my body. I truly am starting to notice the changes for the good!

My clothes are looser on me. In fact, my underwear kept falling down! Haha! It's not much but... obviously the change in weight is slow and steady. (I have bought new underwear, too!) Also, my bras will need changing in the next few months..I can already see a change there as well... I have just recently bought a smaller size swim suit and I must say I think I look fabulous in it! :) (Chris was speechless when he first saw me in the new black and blue bathing suit. He said things I can't mention here, but I will say those words made me giggle like crazy! My hubby is awesome!)

I celebrate the little victories of progress and I think that is what is making the difference this time around. I started out at 182 lbs. I weighted myself yesterday morning and the scale read 170.6 lbs! (I will admit it read 171.3 lbs this morning, but a little fluctuation is always expected.)

I have a new tenant who is moving into today. Once she is settled I plan on getting back in the pool and swimming another 100 laps....maybe even 120! ;)

Every step of progress is a step of faithfulness in The Lord. I thank God constantly for His strength. I honestly couldn't make the changes in my food choices or enthusiasm for swimming without Him. I am amazed and his faithfulness. :)

(Side note: Chris is also losing weight. He is now down from 194 to 189.5 lbs! Although Chris isn't working out, per se, our jobs as superintendents of our building gives him a daily workout in a more natural way. I am proud of my husband.. Love that man...!) 

Biopsy and Donation

Last Wednesday I went in for my  endometrial biopsy and boy, that was fun! Okay, honestly I wouldn't wish this procedure on my worst enemy...not that I have any, but y'know what I mean...

Chris' friend Karolyn came with me so that I could have some help getting around and on and off the very high examination table. (What is with those tables? Why do they have be built for the height of giants?! All exam tables should be able to lower on some sort of...lift...thingy....)

The doc didn't really explain what was going to happen this time. He did have me skooch down further to the end of the table and readjust my feet so my legs could be a little wider. (They ALWAYS ask that I widen my hips more which is impossible to do when you're born with muscles that are tight.)

In went the speculum and I think whatever tool he used to retrieve the tissue lining samples. I felt a lot of pressure in my upper left stomach area. OOOOH boy did that hurt! I squeezed Karolyn's hand like I was dying. The poor girl's hand probably was white as a ghost from my own hand squeezing the living daylights out of hers! 

All I know is I just concentrated on breathing, staying still and praying to Jesus for strength to endure. 

It didn't last long. It was really over before I knew it. I remember thanking God with every fiber of my being that it was finally over. The doctor asked me to lay down for a few more minutes, in case I felt dizzy or faint. Honestly I felt fine. I'm a tough cookie and I have gone through worse than that! Still though I did what he asked. 

When I couldn't take anymore of this "lying there doing nothing" thing, I hopped on down (with Karolyn's help!) from the made-for-giants-exam table and took my naked butt over to a chair to get back dressed. 

It was as simple as that and really, even if it hurt like the dickens it only lasted 10 minutes at most -- not even! Meh... I can endure that for our babies...

The highlight of our visit was seeing the temporary administer. She's English and not only does she has this glorious accent, upbeat attitude, but she also knows British Sign Language! :D The two times I have seen her we have chatted back and forth figuring out the different signs in ASL and BSL. It's wonderful to touch base with someone who knows a little of our own language...even if it's a different "pronunciation" of the same language. Unfortunately she is not permanently located at this office branch, but was just filling in while the usual admin was on vacation. It was kind of her to wish us "Good luck". I shall miss my Sign Language buddy she has made my visits to the Fertility Clinic and true delight.... 

We will get the results back from the biopsy in another week. This link will give you an idea of what they're ruling out: http://www.webmd.com/women/endometrial-biopsy

I have also read elsewhere that one of the symptoms of PCOS is a thickening of the uterine lining. I do believe this is why I have an abnormal looking lining... I've gotten the feeling, from the doctors so far, that this is just a routine check and they're not overly concerned about cancer. I'm not worrying about it until I have to worry about it. (I got enough on my mind as it is!)

Last week was also an exciting Friday for Chris. He gave his sperm donation for freezing! 

We had meant to take some sexy photos of me for his....enjoyment while giving the sample but kinda ran out of time with all that we had to do in our job last week. 

So, instead, when Chris arrived at the clinic Friday morning he was led into a "donation room" reserved specifically for men needing to give a sample. There were dirty Playboy magazines there and a DVD player for him, but he had thought ahead. Chris used their free wifi service and brought up Facebook to look through our wedding photos.. 

My husband is a romantic! :)

He actually felt really comfortable in that room as he was told he could use the room for as long as he needed. Chris informed me later his most difficult moment was awkwardly trying to balance his phone on his knee to look at my photos while he was busy doing what he was there to do! We had a good giggle about that Friday evening!

I must tell you, I had a "miracle" moment with my husband and God. I was a little worried about how much sperm Chris might be able to donate as anyone, in that situation, may be nervous and stressed out. I prayed for my husband and visualized an intimate moment between the two of us, so I could be with him, in a sense, at the time of his donation. I felt 100% connected to Chris and Jesus......truly feeling like the Lord bridged that gap between us as I sat in my office at work and Chris sat in the donation room at the clinic. There was an intimate peacefulness that washed over me, and my worries and fears melted away. It was a such a blessing to know that God cared, even about this moment we were going through in our baby making process....

I am proud to say Chris donated four units of sperm!!! Yay! 

The doctor was quite pleased as well and we were told on Friday afternoon this week they will be unfreezing one of the units to see how "the boys" lived through their cold days in hypothermia. 

This is only the beginning of our journey with IVF and ICSI but I have never felt closer to God and my husband... The three of us will weather this storm together and no matter what the end results will be Chris and I will praise The Lord for His faithfulness, mercy and grace.