Return of the Jedi...err... I mean Aunt Flo

Well, she's back. I know, what a lovely topic to mention. sigh I've been having menstrual pains for awhile now. Sometimes they've been quite intense and other times just more of a dull roar. I look at it as good news, though. Aunt Flo's arrival means my body is still doing what it's supposed to do for the possibility to try again to have a baby.

A fellow co-worker mentioned the moon cycle that I'll have now will be a little overwhelming and heavier than usual as my body has been building up the uterine lining for the baby. Now it's time to shed that extra thick lining. Oh joy this will be fun...! I think this next week will be a tough one on my body but I'll get through it just like everything else.

A few people have begun to ask what our next step is now that we have not gotten pregnant with this Embryo Transfer on the 16th of February. All I know is I'll be meeting with our doctor on the 21st of March to discuss things once again. I do know that all the head doctors having a board meeting type thing once a week and discuss all non-successful patients. They consult each other and try and figure out what the next step should be. So, I'm sure that consultation has already happened or will happen before the 21st.

We are already on the waiting list for a our "free" chance under the new Ministry of Health law change. We were at the top of the list, first to go, but decided to pay for the first Embryo Transfer ourselves as it was cheaper but because of this decision we were bumped to the bottom of the waiting list. I get the feeling this waiting list is thousands of names long... I have no idea when we will get our next shot at this... That concerns me as I am now 37 1/2 years old and every day inching towards my 38th birthday. The cut off age to try all this is 40 and I would really like to have children closer to 37 than 40!

We are waiting on God's timing and know that there is no point in being overly worried about it. We have mourned the loss of Clover and although I think of him everyday (and yes I believe he was a little boy) we are also still hopeful that God will grant us favour in carrying a child to full term.

Chris and I are still planning for the future in other ways as well. We've had a good week, even with the sad news on Tuesday. Things are looking brighter and we are focusing on moving forward instead of looking back. We rest in God's timing and know that with every tweak of pain in my belly, right now, my body is preparing for the second chance I will have at this. This is very good news!

Seeing my nephew Max joyously open gifts at his 3rd birthday party today made me feel such joy in my own heart. Many folks with infertility issues look at children or pregnant women and feel pains of jealousy or anger. Since we have been able to try IVF and ICSI with the fertility clinic I have felt the opposite. JOY! Over and abundance joy for having the chance to try just to try. I have more hope than I ever have in my whole life that I'll be a mum one day! I refuse to feel too much jealousy and anger. I refuse to let my heart go to a negative spot and stay there, stuck, thinking "what if?" Well... what if we do have success? What if Chris has to change a million dirty diapers before our wee one is potty trained? grins Oh, what if I get to have grandchildren one day?! Those are much better thoughts to focus on.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"