Trust in The Lord...

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with a fellow co-worker whom I have mentioned before who has also gone through infertility at the same clinic Chris & I are using for our baby making. I relayed my angst and frustration at our Monday morning appointment's findings. It was so frustrating to hear there was fluid in my uterus and seeing the doctor's look of complete confusion  as to what to do next.

She said I should call the clinic and tell our doctor about our feelings. Ask for a "plan of action" for Friday if there is still fluid in my uterus. She was right... I did have a voice in all of this and I do need to become "my best advocate" as her words stated to me.

After leaving a message for our doc yesterday afternoon, he called me back this morning. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk with him very long because I just happened to be at the hospital for another appointment today about entirely different matter. Still, the doctor did give us some food for thought...

They really don't know why there is fluid in my uterus. They believe that there is some serious correlation to to taking large doses of estrogen. He did state that lately they have seen more and more patients come in for their ultrasounds only to discover fluid in the "sac". Typically they wouldn't like to proceed with such a thing as this, but its fairly unknown how this will affect our fetus.

He did mention that one of the other doctors at the clinic had a patient come in on the 7th who also had "a large quantity of fluid in her sac" she decided to proceed with Progesterone  IM (inter-muscular injection shots) which meant she was agreeing to go forth with our next step of Embryo Transfer Day. She had just come back into the clinic today and her sac now shows a much more reduced amount of fluid. (Good news!)

So, now we're at a decision we will have to make. Do we scratch this round because of the fluid issue, or do we say "go for it!" and proceed with IM shots, potentially taking a risk at the results which could affect our lives and the lives of another human being in my belly.

If we wait, we may never get a chance. This could be a continued problem for me. They've already found fluid in my uterus on two separate occasions. (Once before estrogen pills commenced and once this past week.) If we never get this chance then we will have to wait for adoption or foster care as another option to raise our children.

There were two thoughts that came to mind when I began to pray on this subject as we rode the bus home from our hospital appointment. First, I prayed and immediately this verse in Proverbs came to mind:

New bible from my husband for our 2 year anniversary of the date we met.

Chris and I do not want to make a decision based on our feelings. Yes, we want children but our ultimate goal in life is to trust The Lord our God completely with our very life, our every thought and our every action. Good or bad that comes our way we will praise His name. 

We don't want to jump just because it's our greatest desire to have kids (and we want them in our lives NOW) but we also don't want to hesitate out of fear about all the "what ifs". 

Second, we don't know if there are other women, not going through IVF, who may very well in fact have fluid in their uterus and are able to carry babies to term without any problems whatsoever. Our lives, or rather my uterus is so closely monitored almost on a daily basis because of infertility but what about all those other mums out there who conceive without any issue. I'm sure at least some of them have fluid in the sac because of greater (but natural) estrogen levels. 

Our doctor is going to give me another call later today. The second call will be where we decide if we're proceeding with IM injections or not... Not that there's any pressure or anything...chuckles

Chris and I have gone through a lot in our lives within our medical backgrounds. We've both had medical issues from childhood and although the idea of proceeding into uncharted territory is a little risky and scary, it's doesn't paralyse us with fear. Growing up, my mother taught me to keep trying and moving forward even if you're scared out of your mind. You will get through this because this too shall pass.

I can remember being in a complete panic attack at the notion of moving from the bunny hill to the intermediate hill downhill skiing at Edelweiss. Alone, my mum went off the the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror and said, "You can do this, Joanie. You have to do this for her (Rosie)." She stepped out of the bathroom and told me we were going up the intermediate slope. At the age of 10, I threw the biggest hissy fit any child ever has. I looked like a two-year stubborn toddler in desperate need of a nap as she dragged me screaming at the top of my lungs to the ski slope, lifted me onto the chair lift and listened to me scream and cry the entire ride up the mountain. When we got up to the mountain with our ski volunteer trailing behind us, my mum gave me a no-nonsense push and encouraged me to ski down that mountain.

I did it, y'know, and I love it. I was proud of myself and the first words out of my mouth when I saw mum waiting for me to catch up to her at the bottom of the mountain were, "Let's do that again!" 

This is one of those times. This is one of those times to feel the fear and do it anyway. I'm trusting in The Lord. I am not leaning on my own understanding (which is "I don't know what will happen). 

God has told me, clear as a bell, that I am going to have children that will know Him. That's all I need to know. deep scary breath

We hope and pray that come Friday morning's ultrasound there will not be any fluid in my uterus any longer but if there is Chris and I are in this together.....and God is with us.