The Big Day is Almost Here!

We went in for blood work and ultrasound on the 29th. I must say, everything looked "beautiful" on my ultrasound. No extra fluid hanging around in my uterus this time! Whoo-hoo!

Also the blood work came back in the afternoon and showed I wasn't pregnant! Whoo-hoo again! (That's weird to be happy I'm not pregnant just we can go ahead and become pregnant... so strange...)

We're continuing on with our Estrace pills for a few more days (2 mg pills at 3 X daily) and we have started our derriere shots again as of the 30th of September. If we are successful on with this pregnancy there are only 67 more derriere shots to go! Whoo-hoo!

Embryo Transfer is tentatively scheduled for the 4th of October. Monday morning we will be returning to the fertility clinic for one last ultrasound at 8:20 am... Chris is considering calling us a cab, depending on the weather.

We're excited for our last try at this but I think our excitement is a little more subdued this time around. We've gone through this once before and came out heartbroken after losing Clover. We know there's only an 85% change our embryo babies will survive the unfreezing phase. We could go into this last chance just to be told both embryos didn't make it and that chance to have our own children will be gone even before it starts.

Also, even if our little embryo baby(ies) survive the implantation into my uterus we could still lose them. They could fail to latch on to my uterus, I could miscarry or they could develop abnormally. Anything is possible.

We are content in whatever comes our way. Truly, we feel at peace in the knowledge that God has His hand in this. We've really stopped worrying -- even while facing all those possibilities -- and we're just living in this moment, thankful we have one last try at this...

I don't know how often we'll update you guys on this part of the journey. So many variables... and to be honest, we're feeling a little private right now about the whole thing. 

If you're willing and able, please keep us in your prayers as we pray for "sticky babies"! (We truly appreciate all the love and support people continue to show in our walk through infertility.)

When we feel comfortable, we'll update again -- promise! I can't wait until we're closer to the end of our nine months so I can start talking about the items I'll have to buy to accommodate my disability as I care for this baby (or babies!).

So many things ahead....and we're so thankful to God...!

All you need is love...

Love is all you need...

Mmmhmm...that is a myth and that's okay. I'm just being honest, folks. Trust me, Chris and I have a lot of love... we...ahem.... practise that uhm...showing of love... but no, it's not all you need for baby makin'.

Aunt Flo paid a visit yesterday and so today is my first full-flow day. Yay! Oh yes, I'm sure you all just dying to hear that tidbit of information. Tomorrow we start Estrace again. Yes, it's estrogen time again. I'll be taking half a little itty bitty purple pill twice a day for a while, then switch to a full pill and then finally the full pill will be taken three times daily. Thankfully, this time around I can take the pill orally.

We will then go in for ultrasound and blood work in the wee hours of the morning on the 29th of September. Do not expect me to be awake or even coherent. Grunts and feeble attempts at smiles will all I'll be able to offer the nurses at 7:20 am that day.

I seriously doubt our Embryo Transfer Day will still be scheduled for the 30th but we shall see. One step a time. They may increase or decrease or even just "hold steady" on my estrace dose as we proceed to add Progesterone shots to the mix... fun....!

Good news: no major side effects from the depot Lupron. I had a rash around my ankles that was non-itchy and I couldn't have gotten it any other way so I think it was weirdly from the Lupron but I can't be sure. Also, my feet swelled up (specifically the right one more than the left). I was irritable a few times but that could be my PMS before my period. Beyond that... nothing.... and I'm so thankful!

The 30 days are not up yet though, so I guess I could still experience some symptoms. We shall see...

Anyhoodle-doo... nothing more to tell at this time. Just another day truckin' along this FET (frozen embryo transfer) plan we have going on. First Lupron and now Estrace...

His Treasured Possession

Over the weekend I worked on a new bible journaling piece after being challenged by "Illustrated Faith's" Rebekah R Jones, which you can watch here: I am treasured.

What really stood out to me as she did her artwork was this idea that not only am I one of God's treasured possessions but the little girl that God has already named is also His treasured possession. God knows Ruby Grace already. He knows her intimately and she is not even here yet!

In Exodus 19:5 it says, Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine. and to me this just spoke of Ruby...... I don't know why she came to mind, or why I felt inspired to write her a letter as I did my artwork, but I'm so glad I did.

After reading the letter to Chris both of us felt a renewing of our spirits as we go into this next chapter of infertility. It was perfect timing too, as I had my depot Lupron shot yesterday which was administered in person at the fertility clinic by a nurse. I was quite worried that the shot would be painful but I barely felt it at all. After being told what side effects I may experience over the course of the next month from the shot I am even more apprehensive. Apparently, I may experience menopause like symptoms! Yay, bring on those hot flashes! (Sarcasm there... ahem...)

I know that God is with me, though, and He is aware of all of this... that gives me some strength to face this uncertain next month. I only hope I am kind to my husband. (One of the side effects of Lupron is irritability.) I tend to be short tempered with him when I'm on my monthly cycle so.... this should also prove interesting....

I'll update you all again as I experience any side effects -- but I must say I'm hoping the only update will be that there are no side effects!

Provera......is delayed....

After a series of miscommunication and misunderstanding from the Fertility Clinic staff members Provera will be delayed until August 24th.

We will be going in so they can do their vampiry thing again on the 23rd for a second time this month... I am telling you they just keep wanting more of my awesome blood!

Meh, no worries. Just a few more weeks delay before everything gets REALLY going!

Are you excited yet? Hmmm?! Well, I sure am! We'll be trying again soon enough for TWO embryos!

Eeeeeek!

Provera time again!

We went to the fertility clinic early this morning so they could get a sample of my blood. They're like hungry little vampires over there...always needing more....more I say more!

I've had a tough time the past few months with my menstural cycles. I'm barely producing a cycle... just little spots or hints of blood and then poof! It's gone for another month! Also, in June my cycle was three weeks late and that's when I thought I might be pregnant.

So... they wanted to check on things and I've asked them if I could take the Provera again to start a regular full flow cycle. We're getting closer to our September date for our last and final Egg Transfer Day and I'd rather not have a little hitch on our plans just because I'm having cycle problems.

Our doc agreed and will be placing me on Provera. Hence, the bloodwork. Results will come back this afternoon and they'll work on the date when I'll take the medication for 10 days. 

Shrugs

No idea why my body does all these crazy things!

Letter in the mail

Chris received a piece of mail from the fertility clinic yesterday. A year ago we froze his sperm in order to use it for the ICSI process. If we wanted to continue to keep his frozen sperm on file, we would have to pay $500 to do so.

We know that two of his little sperm guys are already placed inside my eggs, making those last two embryos we have frozen, waiting for us to use in September.

There is no reason to keep the rest of his sperm frozen in stasis. Chris and I have already talked about September being our last try at IVF/ICSI. If we are unsuccessful in the fall, we'll move on to looking into adoption.

Still, it was hard to check off "I decline..." on the form, sign it away and end further attempts at trying to have our own children. It was kind of a bittersweet moment, but I'm glad we did make that decision.

There's only so many times you can try before you start to feel like the merry-go-round of IVF will never stop. We have tried twice already. Our first attempt was unsuccessful with the right dose of drugs, and the second attempt...well....we lost Clover....

We are already starting to pray our attempt in September will be successful, but I will say, we are also praying about adoption.

The Lord will lead us...

In the meantime, it has become tough to see all the pregnant women and little babies at church. We've decided to take some time away from church and watch services online at home. Chris and I just need a moment to breathe without being bombarded with the knowledge we are not pregnant and we do not have children of our own.

Keep praying with us for success and know we are thankful for each one of you who have supported us along in this journey.

Thirty pregnancy tests....

I have taken about thirty pregnancy tests since Chris and I got married.... That's a lot of heart breaks to go through. It's a lot prayers and frustration and as Chris likes to point out a lot of fun trying!

I thought I might be pregnant this month since I haven't had a menstrual cycle since May. I had some subtle symptoms and it just felt like it was a possibility. We went in to get some blood drawn yesterday just to see if I was right. I was pricked NINE TIMES by the nurse drawing blood. She was in a grumpy mood and couldn't find my vein. scowls Finally, a little after noon yesterday the resident doctor gave us a call back. Nope. It was negative. soul crushing sigh

Chris' response, "You wanna go in the bedroom and try again right now?" suggestive eyebrow wiggle and cock of his head toward the bedroom

"Uhm....no." Thankfully, I know my husband well enough that he was not trying to be insensitive but instead was only hoping I'd laugh at his outrageous suggestion.

Today, I have a brighter perspective. No matter what, we will praise God. With  or without children... His will....

For all those who are trying to conceive, please know I am thinking of you today. hugs and remember, Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Lean on Him... it'll help you get through those heart breaking negative results. He knows your pain and He weeps with you.